2021 was... interesting..!

Heya! It's that time of the year again, so here comes another year summary! I don't remember how this became a thing, but now it is x) This year was... Interesting to say the least. I tried new things, got in another new relationship, and even moved again! Was cheaper that way, since I was always at my new boyfriend's place most of the time anyways x) But let's back up a little now, and I'll tell you all about my year, which was much better than the previous one to be honest. I cut ties with some toxic people and learned more about setting boundaries. I also met a very kind man who's now my new boyfriend. So let's start with the bad start of the year...

It started out pretty shitty to be honest. You probably remember I had this boyfriend I had a crush on for 2 years until he finally gave me a chance. Well, that went sour pretty fast after we started getting more intimate. Christmas 2020 I sat alone on Christmas eve because he felt it was too soon to let me meet his mother. We had known each other for almost 2 years for crying out loud! And been together for 2 months by then... He did spend New Years eve with me though, it was good then. But then I told him I loved him a week later, and he became distant, and told me he had to take a step back to think things through... Left me alone to cry over the fact, and the fact that I cut ties with my mother on the new year change, on Valentine's day. The worst day that year for sure! By the end of the month I had to get an answer from him; were we still a thing or not?! And the answer was that he didn't have any romantic feelings towards me anymore. I was heartbroken, crushed...

So I decided to try something new for a change; Dating apps! I was honestly surprised by the amount of likes I got etc, I don't find myself too attractive, just about average. But something also tells me guys are less picky than us gals too😅 I ended up talking to several guys through Tinder, but it quickly became overwhelming, so I deleted it after a week. Tried again a week later, as well as Facebook dating. I actually had a date with one guy, which went kind of terribly. Considering making a storytime like video about it on my YouTube channel, it was super awkward. For the poor guys sake I'll leave out his identity, he tried his best, but we simply didn't match, like at all. I'm very much a gamer, and he was not, which is not ideal to me to be honest.

Then in the end of March, on Facebook Dating, I met Adrian. He had liked me, but I was hesitant to like him back because of the distance between us, and at that point I aimed to find someone in the same city as me. But he was cute though, and 30 minutes drive away isn't that far, right..? So I decided to like him back after thinking about it for a day, and was eagerly waiting for him to send a message, I had stated that I'm REALLY bad at saying hi first, so if they were REALLY interested they needed to send the first message (I'm very insecure, so fear of rejection was in my way here, it's not that I'm stuck up or anything). I think he sent me a message the same day, and it was a really cute message, asking me for more info about things I had mentioned in my bio. We ended up talking a while, and after a few days I had grown eager to meet him, so after a bit of back and forth from him, I came over to see him for the first time on April the 9th.

The first meeting was kind of awkward, but only in the beginning. He actually looked really scared when we were sitting in his couch, all hunched up like a ball in the other end from here I was sitting. But as we talked, he felt more comfortable/confident to come closer, and eventually hug me. After talking for a while we played a video game he liked that I'd never heard of before, and we had a really good time. And after that he was feeling a bit tired so he asked me if we could go into the bedroom and relax some. And NO, we didn't do anything kinky, I'm not that kind of gal that fucks on the first date! We were just laying there on the bed together and talked and cuddled. After a while we ended up kissing though, and it was amazing! But then my alarm for the last bus started beeping, and I had to get ready to go... We were both a bit upset I had to leave, but I couldn't stay over, so that was just how it had to be. We hugged and kissed goodbye, and I was on my way. On the bus stop I decided I wanted to go the next step with him, since he also seemed to feel the same way. We were both very much in love with each other by that point, so I didn't think it was weird to change my status on Facebook to "in a relationship" with him, so I did. He was ecstatic about it, but had a bit of trouble understanding how he accepted it, and I was super worried he wasn't that into it because he didn't accept it right away😅

I feel like it's necessary to explain a few things about him though, why things might seem weird about our meeting etc to outsiders. First of all; he hasn't eaten solid food in 4 years. Why? Well, 4 years ago he had an throat infection while eating a slice of pizza with nachos on it. He managed to get said nacho stuck in his throat, and that caused him to get so scared afterwards that he  hasn't really been able to eat since. It's probably also worth to mention he also has Asperger's syndrome, so he deals with a lot of obsessive thoughts. So the anxiety about getting something stuck again, or that he might have ruined his throat that one time, has been too strong for him to be able to eat. Because of this he had to get a PEG probe after getting severely thin, he weighed less than 50 kg and is about my height which is around 167cm. He got this inserted in August the year before we met, and because of severe chronical pain it caused he pulled it out that February after talking to his doctor about it. While he had these issues he was also on some strong anti anxiety meds, a type of benzo, which was the only thing keeping him calm, and not having panic attacks aplenty, at that time. He was probably also very addicted to them when I met him, and the day I came over he was pretty much drugged down because he was so anxious and nervous about it all. I had no idea how severe his situation actually were at the time, but I've tried my best to help him ever since, and things are finally looking brighter for him now. Anyways, back to the year summary!

The next week I got a call about a job that I was interested in! But guess where... The brewery... But this time I was to work on the other department of it, the actual brewery/bottling part of it! So I thought it was going to be fine. One month in however I felt very overwhelmed, and anxiety and high stress levels started to tear me apart mentally. I talked to my employer almost every week, telling him I'm not sure if I can do this, and not sure if I'd last much longer, until I hit my breaking point one and a half month into the job. After my Autism "research" I finally realized what I'd experienced was actually a autistic meltdown. Too many things had gone wrong that day, so when a beer can fell down and burst, showering me with beer, I had a really weird  kind of explosion inside me. I suddenly got REALLY angry, so I just had to leave to the changing room and get changed. On my way there I almost started crying, I was just totally out of it, and there were like a tornado of emotions swirling inside me, and I simply couldn't control it. In the changing room I started crying for real, and sent my employer a message telling him what had happened, and I needed this to end NOW. He understood, and relayed the message to the boss of my department. They all seemed understanding, and I was allowed to leave almost right away. I was relieved.

After this incident I decided to REALLY take the possibility of me being autistic seriously, so I contacted my doctor about it, and he referred me to the right specialists, and in December I got my diagnosis, which I wrote about in my previous blog post 😊

While all of this was going on I was visiting Adrian regularly, and I even slept over from time to time. I also cut ties with that ex I mentioned in another blog post, as that friendship wasn't good for any of us to be honest. I don't like it when people get into my head and plays with me like that guy did. It's just plain bad in my opinion. But back to Adrian! We played Xbox together the days I wasn't over, but when I quit my job, the stays at his place became longer and longer. And I brought more and more of my things over. We just couldn't get enough of each other! So by the end of August I was officially moved in with him, and so it has stayed to this day 😊 During the summer I helped him get off the benzo's, and helped him get doctors to actually look at him, and figure out why he's in such bad constant pain. In December we finally got an answer and a probable solution; The hole from the PEG probe went straight through a nerve, and that nerve has been sending bad signals to the brain since that was inserted. Now there's scar tissue instead of a tube, and that scar tissue is causing the same issue, so the solution seems to be to cut that tissue out and sew the wound together instead (which was not done when he first pulled it out). So we're currently waiting for an open spot to get this surgery done, they promised to try and get him in by the end of January, and we're both anxious and excited to get this over with. Really hoping this helps him get rid of the pain! He told me he wants to marry me when he gets better, and I'm honestly looking forward to that. I think I've finally found my perfect match, a guy I want to spend the rest of my life with♥

So that's pretty much my 2021! I've also worked more on my drawings too, finally finishing up the first chapter of my manga and started on the next one. And with an autism diagnosis I hope to be able to apply for Disability Benefits, so that I can focus more on my art as well since that's something that truly brings me joy and feeling of fulfillment in life! So let's hope for all good things and blessings in the year of 2022~! Until next time~!

~Kori

Diagnosed with ASD in my 30s

Hey there! I'm back to delight you with another blog post about me, myself, and I! People following this blog might follow it because I'm the one writing it, and somehow my posts are interesting..? I dunno, I don't mean to sound self-centered or anything, but to me personally this was a very important thing to talk about for me. I want to spread awareness about females on the spectrum, because they are very hard to spot! This is going to be a lengthy read though, so grab a snack!

Anyways, here I am, after taking in the fact that I've just been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a diagnosis that puts me in the Autism Spectrum. I prefer to refer to it as ASD though, which stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder for those not in the know. It took about half a year to diagnose me, it felt like an eternity. But in the end I feel like it was worth it, and the result didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, though I have been unsure because people around me told me I COULDN'T be autistic. But now I got the answer to some life-long questions; Why am I so different? Why doesn't people understand me? Why Do I feel so out of place here? Why is relations so hard in general?

I've been asking myself these questions since as long as I can remember. Only earlier this year did I start looking into autism in females, when I realized we portray it differently. And oh boy was that quite a ride! And so many revelations! Well, we DO have some similarities to the guys, but the symptoms of the same things differ in how they show.

Take special interests for example! Most autistic girls have typical girl interests as their special interest. And girls seems to also switch up their interests every now and then. I can have an intense interest in a subject for a while, then tire out and switch it with something new. I also have 2 consistent subjects though; Pokémon and Kingdom Hearts. Though I've gotten slightly tired of those as well, mostly because the latest games haven't been too good in my opinion. The ending of Kingdom Hearts 3 wasn't even an ending! And they changed Pokémon too much! They locked too much behind a paid DLC! *whines*

That takes me to the next symptom; hating changes! And og boy, I do hate them! Why can't design on daily wares just stay as is? Why change something people are used to? I actually have a very recent example of how change caused me to have a meltdown! I've owned a Razor Naga Trinity mouse for about 3 years, LOVED it! The past year it's been acting up BADLY, double clicking when I just normal clicked, and wouldn't hold when I held down the button. Made me rage way more than I dare to admit to be honest... Anyways, so I found out they have wireless version, the Razor Naga Pro, so my logical thinking went through the process of weighing up the positives with wireless, cables break easy etc, and decided to go for it! Both these mice have changeable side panels btw, which is a very neat feature! The only downside to this was that in-between the release of these mice they decided to change one of these side panels of the wireless one, and that panel was of COURSE the one I mainly use... And the change was pretty big too! The old layout were 7 buttons formed in a circle, around where you rest your thumb. The new one was just 6 buttons in a rectangular formation above where you rest your thumb. Needless to say, I was totally out of it, I cried, and a storm was raging inside me.

And that raging storm is what in me is; Meltdowns! To me these doesn't show on the outside, but they are however very painful, embarrassing and just terrible to go through. When I get mild ones, I end up crying, while a storm rages inside of me. Bad ones may have me throw stuff and scream... So yeah. As a kid I had "anger issues", and threw a tantrum almost every time I was going to be dressed to go outside. The clothes had to be put on in a very specific pattern and way, or else I would rip them all off to start over again! My dad has told me these stories more than once, and how one person talked me into changing my behavior. She told me if I didn't stop acting out the next year, when I was beginning school, I'd be throw out of school. After that my dad told me it stopped, but I'm not so sure about that, because I moved out with my mom that year. I still had some anger issues, my old Gameboy has bitemarks to prove that ^^' I also ended up quitting a job because I had a terrible one, caused by stress and several things not going like it should.

Another thing that makes it hard for me to keep a job AND remain not depressed is routine. I NEED routine in my life, or my mental health suffers immensely. I have almost like a ritual every night when I go to bed, and every morning when I wake up. When I wake up in the morning, I go the bathroom, wash my hands thoroughly, makes myself breakfast, eat said breakfast while coloring pixels ("games" like "Coloring pixels" or "Coloring game" on Steam) and watching the latest YouTube videos in my feed, and washing my hands again when I've finished eating. When going to bed I need to first make sure the front door is locked, then turning off the outside light and the light in the corridor, then I wash my hands, brush my teeth, mouthwash, then when that is fully spit out, I wash my hands for the last time for the day, go drink some water, and then make sure the top mattress is in place as it should, and no dust or anything is in the bed, and I makes sure to brush my hand firmly over the sheets to make 100% sure nothing is there. See something abnormal here? Yes, I wash my hands quite a lot. Which turns into a very painful thing during the winters, because my skin gets extremely dry! And working a job on top of this makes me wash my hands even MORE.

Next up is sensory issues. This one is pretty much the same in both genders. I can't stand wearing anything else than cotton. Silk? Fuck that, gimmie mah cotton! I also HATE the feeling of water on my skin, which is a problem when it comes to showering. I DO shower, but I'm rarely looking forward to it. I mostly look forward to it if I'm sweaty or my hair is greasy, because that feeling is even WORSE! I also hate having sticky hands, so hand lotion for my very dry hands have a tendency of being washed off wayyy too fast. I just can't handle the icky feeling! I also don't like to be touched unless it's close family or my boyfriend. Other than that I struggle with bright lights, very keen sense of smell (which is the worst part of the bunch when there is a slightly bad smell, I nearly gag), and very sensitive to touch in general. If my boyfriend strokes me at a spot for too long, it starts to hurt. That's why I prefer tight clothes rather than loose clothing, because the loose clothing brush too much into my skin. Also if any of my senses are overstimulated I usually get a migraine as well.

I also found an interesting video where a woman on the spectrum, whom also has studied psychology,  theorized about sexuality, very specifically demisexuality, being linked to being on the spectrum. I myself have been identifying as a demisexual for the past few years, and the things she mentioned do make a lot of sense. I don't want anyone to touch me or anything unless I know them well and feel comfortable around them, and I've never felt physical attraction before getting to know a person either. These things are very typical for people with ASD, but you can be demisexual without being on the spectrum as well, so don't confuse this as being a sing that you might be on the spectrum!

Stimming is something I didn't really know what was until I started researching ASD, and I actually have something there as well. In case you don't know what stimming is; A self-stimulatory behavior that is marked by a repetitive action or movement of the body (such as repeatedly tapping on objects or the ears, snapping the fingers, blinking the eyes, rocking from side to side, or grunting) and is typically associated with certain conditions (such as Autism Spectrum Disorder), and those who mask a lot find more subtle ways of doing this. Only those who knows me VERY well might have noticed me when I'm gaming in my chair, I tend to move my chair either back and forth, or from side to side. I also have a bad tendency of picking on my skin, especially if I got dry skin or scabs. I also used to bite my nails until I reached my mid 20s, when I FINALLY managed to stop this behavior.

I'm also REALLY bad with social cues, and knowing when I should do what. This might often lead to me interrupting people during conversations, or maybe even laugh when I shouldn't (because I find something inappropriate funny). I can also be very blunt and upfront about things, and overshare/ask too personal questions. Some examples are; I was very open about personal details on my streams before. I've began to understand the fact that sharing certain info is not always appreciated by my peers ^^' Also when I was 5 or 6 I asked my aunt why she cried the day after grandma died, saying "she died yesterday!", I just couldn't understand that at that age, and I find that very weird today looking back. And when I hit puberty I asked my then stepmother while playing with glass paint; "How is it to have sex?", just out of the blue! She was so surprised, but she tried answering as well as she could :) I've never really been good at socializing in general, I've had to studie the people around me to learn how to do that, often mimicking those closest to me. I always told people that told me I was being "mean" that I simply mirrored their own behavior, they never listened though. Oh, yeah! I also asked to be grounded in high school to be able to avoid attending a party! I guess I'm a little antisocial at times too ^^'

This blog post is starting to get really long, so I think I should end it here~! I might do another one with some more things I might have missed in this one, but I think I've covered most bases for now. I suspected I was on the spectrum since I was 19, but I never really believed enough in myself to seek out professional help. It's a bit surreal now that I finally got my diagnosis. I was right after all, despite what people around me said! But now I can finally get some proper help and hopefully live a much happier life knowing why I am the way I am :)

Until next time, have a wonderful Holiday~!

~ Kori

Why I cut ties with my ex (again)

Hey! Do you remember when I wrote that 2-part blog post on how I was at Desucon, and left one of my exes like 8-9 years ago? Weeeeeeeell, last year I gave him the chance to show me he's changed. In retrospect that was probably the worst decision ever made..!

So I am a very naive person, and I always want to give people 2nd and 3rd chances. So maybe I'm a little TOO naive for my own good. Anyways, I felt like I missed the fun gaming times with the guy, and the humor. So when he approached me the winter in 2019/2020, I accepted him with open arms. I regret that now sadly, and here's why.

First of all, I found out during a drinking party at my new place that he still had feelings for me. It was me, Chris, Frisky and him having a night of drinking and Cards Against Humanity. Was a lot of fun, not gonna lie. But then it was time for people to leave. Chris got a ride home from Frisky, and then Frisky went home afterwards. My ex told me he wanted to finish his beer, then call for a cab home. Well, that didn't exactly happen... Instead he started crying and telling me how hard it was to let me go, and he still had feelings for me... I didn't know how to handle the situation, I was frankly scared, and wanted him gone asap, so I sent Frisky a message about what happened and asked him to please come pick my ex up. But the love drama didn't end there. For the whole year to come I had to work with him on getting over me basically, telling him over and over again that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him anymore. I just wanted to be friends.

That summer he managed to stirr up drama with one of my male streamer friends, weaponizing my low self esteem. That streaming friend had apparently told him he didn't like my singing, and that set me off. It was during one of my periods, and my ex knew that. So he almost ended a years long friendship by only telling me half the truth. My streamer friend didn't really dislike my singing, but he felt like I sang very forced, which is a huge difference from what my ex told me. My ex told me he couldn't stand listening to me, and avoided voice chat where I was singing at all costs. I only figured that out much later, sadly, but I'm still friends with that other streamer.

Fall comes around, and I'm becoming increasingly insecure because my ex kept telling me that the guy I liked at work wasn't interested in me. But then I got together with that guy! Wow! He wasn't interested, huh..? Anyways, during that relationship my ex kept telling me things like "that's not normal in a relationship" etc, making me more insecure and desperate for attention from the guy I was with, to the point the guy couldn't handle it anymore, breaking up with me in March this year. And do you know what my ex did the night after...? He started hinting at his parents being ok with it if we were to get back together! The night after, when I needed company and comfort! Raiho, which I befriended again the same day as the breakup was there as well, and he was as shocked as me about what he kept on saying. 'Cause he kept on about it for a good while. So I decided then and there that I'd make a Tinder profile.

A month later I met Adrian through Facebook dating, and damn, it was a perfect match from day one. But Adrian had severe anxiety and extremely low self esteem when I met him. He doesn't like ex'es either, but he was going to try and work with that and accept my ex. I told my ex that, and to watch his mouth, no more sexual jokes towards me. But he didn't listen... I don't remember exactly what was written in my Discord server, but it was something about me, and my ex replied with "been there, done that". I was in voice chat with him at that moment, and I told him "you shouldn't have done that", where he simply replied with "what? He should get used to this, it's our humor!". No. That is not really my type of humor when I'm in a relationship. It is disrespectful in my opinion.

And that was the last straw... I was just done, so I decided to drop him, to cut ties completely. On Twitter he seemed to try and make me the bad person in this situation, which have led me to wanting to tell my side of this, get it off my chest. He missused my trust, and ruined a lot in the year we were friends. All that just to have some laughs during gaming sessions. Not worth it, not worth it at all... 

But there were also other bits and pieces of troublesome behavior during this time...

My ex got his drivers license sometime during all of that above, and had offered to drive me places if needed, I just had to ask. He never specified any restrictions. I never really asked him to drive me places either, he often offered to go places with me. But the one and only time I asked, and I didn't ask him to drive me, I asked if he COULD if needed on one of my first sleepovers at my Adrians place. I deleted the message pretty quickly because Adrian seemed fine and was determined on me staying the night, to fight his anxiety. My ex was already driving me home the next day, so I thought nothing of asking for an earlier ride home. But to my ex that was overstepping... He proceeded to lecturing me about not expecting him to drive me everywhere just because he has a license now for half the trip home. He triggered my anxiety HARD in that car with him, I honestly just wanted to unbuckle and jump out of the car in full speed. He basically punished me for something he previously told me was ok.

Also during the time we were friends, he constantly told me I didn't have any diagnosis's, like I was perfectly normal and healthy. Only after showing proof of things he seemed to back down. I often felt like he didn't take me seriously, and brushed off all my stuff as "jokes". I told him and a few others of my friends that I've been suspecting I could be autistic, but he told me I was NOT. I couldn't be, I'm too "normal" and "functional" he said. Well, the neuropsychologist said otherwise... I think I would have sought out professional help much earlier if it weren't for him telling me these things, even back when I was together with him. He always knew better, especially in the medical field, just because he went to high school to be a social worker. He always bragged about being so good at twisting people psychologically. That sounds like it should be a warning sign in itself now that I think about it...

He also kept calling me and my friends "bitch" and "cunt" as well, which I guess was fun, but at the same time it wasn't. He also had a bad influence on me, making me talk shit about my friends behind their backs, and I'm so sorry about that... I usually don't do that, but he kept riling me up to do/say things by starting it. Looking back at it now I should have told him I felt uncomfortable with this manner, he even broke Chris to tears one time, 'cause he was pretty much bullying him... I should have stepped in and stopped him instead of joining him, but he made me think it was ok even if I knew it wasn't... I guess I'm weak to peer pressure, that or he just got so deep into my head...

So this is why I cut ties. He still obsessed over me 8-9 years after the breakup, and he seemed to try all in his power to make me his again, even though he probably won't admit it now. He even tried to lower my self esteem to reach his goal, and that's pretty low. If only I actually cut ties already last year when I first wanted to do it... Oh well, at least he's gone for good this time :)

~Kori

Bye 2020~! You were kinder than the last ♥

So here we are again...

Last year I said I hoped 2020 would be a better year, but I never anticipated Covid-19 to happen like it did back then! Despite that however, I have had a wonderful year with a lot of new  things. Let's start from the beginning of the year!

I actually don't remember much from January, so I guess I better skip to the most lifechanging thing to happen to me this year, that happened in February; I broke up with Rin. Yup, that's right! Never thought I would, but I finally did. I used to adore the guy, until a not so fortunate side of him started to show. His real colors weren't so nice after all... But I didn't really see how bad he had affected me until I was away from him.

Why did I break up with him? Well... First of all; my feelings were fading. I felt like it wasn't really working out, and it hadn't really for the past 2 years. A lot of disagreement, and shit being just.... shit. Second; I was falling in love with someone else... And I felt bad about that! I wanted to be there for Rin, as I knew his struggles, but at the same time it wasn't fair to him that I was longing for another mans embrace. So I got a meeting with NAV about my economic situation, and they told me that moving out could be a step forward that could lead to me getting a steady job, as I would be able to get the sleep I needed when I needed it (Rin and I had TOTALLY different sleep schedules), and I would be able to focus on myself. Rin did NOT like the idea, and gave me an ultimatum; "If you move out, we're done". Me, being the person I am, do not take kindly to ultimatums, and often choose the opposing option of the person giving me the choice, so I said "fine, I guess it's over then". He proceeded to stomp on the floor, and hitting the living room table.

In the beginning of March I found and moved into my own apartment, the one I'm sitting in now in fact! It was so weird to be on my own. Was really lucky to get this one too, the landlord had originally planned on having more people over to see it, but he seemed to like me so much, he offered it to me instead. This month I also started to talk to my crush almost daily, and I was actually back at the brewery again as an intern to get back into working a job etc. And, eh, guess what... My crush was one of the other workers there! The day we saw each other again for the first time since the summer job, I'll never forget that one. My heartrate was above 140 bpm, and he seemed to blush like crazy as soon as he laid eyes on me. He was denying having any feelings for me though. Yes, I confessed shortly after being sent home because of Covid-19. He told me he probably wouldn't be able to give me the same love back.

April came around, and he was sent home as well. We started planning movie nights, but first we had a birthday celebration coming up! His birthday was just a few days before mine, so I wanted my celebration to be kind of his as well. And because of Covid-19 we could only be 5 people at one location at once. I decided he was a 1st priority guest, and then Chris was obviously invited, and 2 other close friends of mine at the time was also invited. But I wanted a bit of help baking for the "big day", so I invited my crush over, and he accepted. We were very awkwardly trying to bake buns together, but we both are the "don't come too close" type of person, so it was really weird. We've always been pretty awkward around each other at work as well, me because of obvious reasons. I'd been secretly liking him since I first met him, I just tried my best to suppress my feelings. Didn't work out in the end though.

But I'll never forget that visit, even though there wasn't anything romantic going on, except maybe the thing he did when he was leaving... I was going to go for a walk with a friend as he was leaving, so I walked him to his car. As he was nearing his car, he suddenly stopped, looking up at the stars. "The night sky is clear tonight." he said, then looking at me, smiling. I totally froze, I didn't expect that. I couldn't think straight, so I just tried to smile and said back "uh, yeah, it's very clear". God, I hate myself today for not walking closer to him, I just stood there like a moron. We ended up just standing there, 2-3 meters apart, talking about stars and star signs. When I thought back on it later, I realized how fucking romantic that shit really was.

Then there's May... Not much to talk about here, except that we decided to do weekly walks together, and had a few movie nights. I confessed my love for him again, and I got the "I rather stay friends" message. I was devastated, so I started considering getting a pet.

June came, and I got that pet I was considering. I originally wanted a cat, but the shelter said I needed 2 if I wanted indoor cats, and planned on working a steady job. I didn't have money to keep 2, and it would probably have been too much for me, so I went to the pet store instead. There I met my lil Bruce, the Degu. As soon as I laid eyes on him I thought "that's my lil boy", and I asked the lady working there if I could greet him. She told me he was the most social and cuddly degu she ever encountered, and she was right; he was very social and cuddly. I thought he was perfect! And now you might be wondering why I keep saying "was"... No-no-no, he didn't pass away, but...Not long after I got him I got a call from the brewery. They wanted me to work this summer again. I didn't hesitate to accept, though it was a surprise. A welcomed surprise, that's for sure!

So I started working there again in the mid/end of June, and everything went well. Until Bruce started acting up. When I started working, I didn't have the time or energy to cuddle him all the time anymore. He started craving my attention at every waking moment, and started keeping me up at night. No amount of toys, sticks or treats was good enough. So after trying to deal with his tantrums for a few weeks, I gave up, and decided it was time to do something. So I put him up for adoption. It was a really hard decision to make, but ultimately it was the best for him. I got a message from a lovely lady the day after, and I asked her about previous experience etc. This lady seemed to have a lot of experience, and she even had 3 girls herself. I asked for pictures just to make sure, and when I saw them, I decided she was a good fit for Bruce. So the next day they picked him up. I remember I managed to keep a straight face while they were here, but as soon as they had left and I shut the door, the tears started rolling. I think I cried for an hour, but in the end it was the best for both of us. I got sent pictures of him afterwards, and he seemed happy in those. 😊

Not much happened during my summer job, other than it being extended each moth. In the middle of September was my dads birthday, so I ended up taking a day off to go visit him. This year was his 60th birthday, so I felt like I really had to go. I missed his 50th birthday, hell no if I was gonna miss out on this one! I had a lovely weekend at his place, but he lives so far away I had to take a plane ride up there. I could take a bus as well, but that would take me about 10 hours, so I chose the 1 hour plane ride instead. When I was going home though, there were some terrible mist, and because of that, I had to stay 2 days longer than expected. Thankfully my boss was okey with that! 😊

Just a week later my grandpa passes away, so I had to travel once again, but this time it was easier by night train. I originally didn't want to go, since I didn't feel an emotional connection to the man, but my dad insisted and even paid for the trip, so I felt like I had to. It ended up being a nice trip though, and I actually got to talk to some family I hadn't talked to before, or hadn't talked with in 10 years. I didn't lose any work days on this trip though, and I was really thankful for that. I was working so hard to earn as much money as I could before I wasn't needed anymore. I started helping out at the bottler part of the brewery as well as driving a different forklift than I used to. I've had the certificate to drive a reach truck since last year when I got it, so I started driving one of those, helping out with the early shifts and getting in some practice at the same time!

I was still chatting with my crush, but starting to accept that he wasn't interested in me back. The others at work knew I was into someone, but not who. Not until the end of September that is! I was in a really giddy mood after asking my crush over for Halloween, and he actually seemed to be interested in coming over. As stupid as I was, I started telling people at work I was excited to MAYBE have my crush over. We were all sitting there talking, and suddenly one of them got very curious about who it was, as I never told anyone who it was (I figured that was for the best, as we worked together and he wasn't into me back). One of them, who had watched how both of us were acting the previous year, just asked me straight out: "Is it HIM (the name of my crush obviously)?". I panicked and just said "I can't tell you... I can't tell you..." while blushing like a fucking moron while holding my hands up to my face. I was busted! This is where the interesting part comes... Two of my co-workers then proceeded to go ahead and ask my crush if he was interested back, but he told them both no. He said he wasn't interested in me in neither a sexual or romantical way. I sent him a message afterwards telling him that if he REALLY wasn't interested in me that way, he got to shoot straight with me. He'd been avoiding saying it to me straight out that he wasn't interested, only "maybe/I don't think so/I don't know", so obviously I wasn't able to totally let go. I also told him that if he didn't reply to that part of our conversation, I'd assume that he only told them that to avoid drama at work. He never addressed that part.

Fast forward to October, my favorite month of the year; HALLOWEEN TIME~! ♥ And this year my October got even better than any previous year. I still worked in the storage, and I was starting to get standardized as a reach truck driver. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it very much. I felt much more independent and helpful, so it gave me a huge confident boost. I also started to understand how my crush and his colleague had it with this job, as it was also a sometimes stressful job as well as requiring a lot of focus. After the first week I was already exhausted! Not much else happened that month, until the 19th. I had been chatting with my crush every afternoon when he was working the late shifts, and the conversations had always been good. This evening I was feeling a bit more brave and flirty, so I mentioned a perverted joke my friends had told me that included me and my crush. I might have pushed it a little bit too far this time though... But he finally admitted that he was actually into me! My mind was just blown when he told me, and I started asking him "like, when did you start liking me?!". He couldn't pinpoint exactly when, but he told me that when he was denying it to the other co-workers he felt like he was lying, even to himself. Needless to say, we decided we where a couple after that, and we celebrated Halloween at my place as a couple! 😊

The whole relationship was kept as a secret for the rest of the workplace as my boyfriend is the type of person that likes to keep things private, but it was hard for me to not tell anyone. I was just so happy to finally have the guy of my dreams pretty much. I was ecstatic! Only one other person knew about it, but that was because he'd been my "spy" the whole time. I wanted someone else to help me figure out if he liked me back, so I had to "play dirty"... I felt bad about doing that, but he helped me keep my hopes up, and saw something was up he told me. But it seemed like most of everyone caught up with it all by mid November. I decided then to just come out to the bosses about it, as there were new Covid-19 rules set in motion. Me and my boyfriend sat closer than 2 meter away from each other during breaks, and the new rules stated we should stay more than 2 meter away if we where to sit close for longer than 15 minutes. So I decided to ask if it was the same if you were regularly with a colleague in your spare time. They didn't understand what I was trying to say, so I just ended up saying somethings along the lines of "well, uhm, HIM and me are, eh, together now, and been together for about a month". They were a bit surprised, but congratulated me, and told me it was fine, I didn't need to worry about it. It was a relief to finally tell someone straight out what's been going on, and that they took it as well as they did. Our boss apparently joked with my boyfriend and told him to "stay away from his substitutes outside of work". At the end of November my substitute job was over. This was pretty much planned though, so it wasn't because of the relationship that had developed, no worries! 😜

Since Halloween my boyfriend has been coming over pretty much every weekend. I'm always excited to see him again, especially now that we're not working together anymore. I can feel that I miss him during the weeks, which actually is a bit of a refreshing feeling. But I had a rough time during Christmas though. On December 22nd I decided to show off my little Christmas tree that had no presents under it. In my post I stated that the post wasn't to garner sympathy, nor a cry for gifts. I simply wrote that I felt a bit forgotten, especially by one side of the family. I also stated by the end of the post that if anyone felt like I was talking about them, they could simply just wish me a merry Christmas to show that they care! Of course my mother took that a bit too personal, so on December 23rd she decided to send me a bit of a slightly aggressive message where she told me she had planned on giving me a gift this year, but she felt like she didn't really want to give it to me after reading the post. I tried to point out what I ment by the post, but she didn't really listen. In the end we ended up fighting over this, and how much of a bad kid I've always been, as well as me trying to get her to see WHY I was such a bad kid when having her as a mother. It was just a big unnecessary mess... And when I finally got done with the fight with her, my fricking sister comes in for round two! By the end of that day I'd turned all my notifications off, and I was just done with everyone. Needless to say; My Christmas this year sucked! Until I got a random message from my dad on the 30th. Apparently there was a package waiting for me at my local post office. I nearly ran over there to pick it up, wondering both who sent it and what it was. Turned out my dad, his ex fiancé and her mother had felt so sorry for what I went through that day, and not having anything to open under my tree, they decided they wanted to give me some extra things (they had originally given me money already). So what I ended up picking up was a box with 8 small presents in it :) It was a bunch of small things like candy and silly toys, but God did that make me feel loved. They went out of their way to make my day a bit brighter, and it really helped! I ended up opening all the gifts in a video chat with my best friends 😊

New years eve I celebrated with my new boyfriend, and we sure started the new year with a bang! Take that as you please, ya pervy bastards 😜 But from joke to seriousness; I hope 2021 brings the same amount of personal growth and prosperity as 2020 has. I think I'm one of very few that can say that this was my year for sure! I've learned a lot of new things, and opened my eyes about some old things and habits that weren't good for me.

Cheers everyone~! Until next time~!

~Kori

Oh, hey 2020!

So yeah, 2019 was quite a year... And I realized now that I didn't really get to finish any of my set goals for that year:

- I didn't reach 500 followers on Twitch, but I guess I kinda got close? 400 isn't too bad to be honest!
- I didn't get half my debt paid off. A lot of shit was dragging me down, and my economic situation wasn't the best. Yes, I had a summer job, but I ended up without any support for 2 months because of a fuckup out of my control. But at least one of my mastercards are halfway paid off, my laptop is halfway paid off, and another mastercard (which have insane rates) is about 1/3 paid off. It's gonna take me some time to get all the debt paid off, especially if I can't get a job soon.
- I didn't figure out what I want to do with my life. I still can't imagine myself in a proper job to be totally honest. But I've seen the effects of my limitations, so I'm currently getting help figuring out work, and hopefully I'll be able to work a part time job with supplementary on the side. Hoping for the best in the new year!
- I haven't lost much weight either to be honest, and that bums me out, really! I've been going to the gym twice a week since October (I was sick etc in December tho). But hoping that will change this year, as I'll keep going to the gym twice a week!
- One thing I hopefully actually managed to do was make people around me laugh! 😁

With that said though, regardless of all the stuff that's happened, I feel like I had a good year, both with my mental health and my Twitch streaming.

So with the new year I'll be setting up some new goals, and hopefully I'll manage to fulfill them this year!

♥ I'll keep on making people laugh! That's pretty much my life goal at this point 😂
♥ I'll keep going to the gym twice a week, and hopefully loose weight!
♥ I'll keep paying off my debts, and the credit cards are all snapped in half!
♥ Try and find a suitable a part time job that pays more than the $800 I'm currently living off of!
♥ I'll up the Twitch follower goal from 500 to 600 😊

The rules I set last year is also golden this year. I think everyone should try and be more kind to themselves and others, as it is definitely better for ones mental health! And I tried caring less about what people think about me as well, and I feel like I've had a much easier life just by doing that. I also stopped surfing Facebook every day, not posting as much there, and that's been better for me as well. I didn't think cutting social media out would have a very big impact on my daily life, but it did!

Anyways, I hope you had a good year too, and let's try and make 2020 even better!

~ Kori

Pokémon Sword/Shield, expectations and concerns

It's this time of the year again, and a new Pokémon game is around the corner. As a long time fan, playing Red back when I was 8, I have various expectations and concerns about the new releases.



I've seen the series slow slip down in quality over the years, where they didn't even get the 3rd gen remakes right after nailing the 2nd gen remakes! Something has happened to Gamefreak, or the directors of the games, because the quality is far from what it used to be.
Yeah, I know, nostalgia can blind you, but if you've experienced all the games like I have (even replaying the old ones to compare), you can clearly see things are not as good as they used to be.

The things I've seen and heard about the games make me even more concerned, as these things haven't really been good. When I start the games however, I'll stand as neutral to it as possible, I'm going to praise the good things, but also be critical to the bad things. I was really excited for this game, but you could say my hype has vanished. So at least I'm going into this without being blinded by the hype, like a lot of others do.

With all that being said, let's break down my expectations:

- Stable framerate. It doesn't need to be 60fps, 30 is fine! I only ask for it to be stable, and not stuttery or dropping at random.

- Game runs generally well. That means as few glitches as possible, and the game is playable without fear of gamebreaking bugs. It should also be pleasing on the eyes. This is to be expected from a first party game.

- Good story. I don't need something big and out of the park, but at least it should be interesting. Sun/Moon was very blant and generic in the beginning, and I ended up never finishing the game! Trying to finish the Ultra versions now, but it just feels so dragged out with the trials!


So, as you can see, my expectations aren't very high. It's very basic, and how a game should be by it's release. Unfortunately I'm concerned that one or more of these will not be fulfilled. But I'll have to wait and see for myself before I'll judge the games.

My list of concerns is a bit longer and more on the critical side, but some of these things are important for me personally to enjoy the games. Most of these concerns are also based on what I've heard, and may not be something to worry about, they might just be rumors and nothing more.
So here's my concerns:

- Future paid DLCs. This is something that's NEVER been in a main series Pokémon game, and I'd be hugely disappointed if that's going to start being a thing now. I heard data miners has found possible traces of this being a possibility with this game, but I'm hoping and praying this is false!

- Choppy/laggy Framerate. I've seen the gameplay footage on reveals etc, and I'm honestly concerned about what I've seen. It looks choppy/laggy, and since this is a first-party game for the Switch, I'm not forgiving for any other reason that it's been rushed (which is not a good enough reason either, as I'd rather they delayed the game than stressing it out).

- Lack of interesting Pokémons now that National Dex has been confirmed to not be part of the game. I've seen some of the pokémon that comes with the game, and they seem ok. I just hope I haven't seen the best ones already...

- Mystery gifts being locked behind a paywall? This one sounds very messed up in my opinion, and not very likely. But this is apparently another thing data miners found! I've barely seen any internet mystery gifts for the past few years for any of my games (I believe I have yet to see one for my Let's Go Pikachu), so putting it behind a paid fee is just not acceptable!

- High pricetag for less content. So this game is more expensive than the past games, probably because it's for the Switch. This is as far as I see it okey. BUT if there's less content as well, I'll be feeling very cheated to be honest.

- They're doing another "Ultra" version next year. This one. This will piss me off so bad. This is why I strongly disliked Sun and Moon. The first set of games SHOULD have been the Ultra versions. They could have used more time to make the game great when they first made it, instead of releasing the same exact game over again, but with more content.

Yeaaah, there's a lot of negative rumors going around, and I'm hoping they aren't true.
They are reasons for concern though, because if any of these are true, it means Pokémon games in the future will probably have these same things implemented again, lowering the standard yet even more, because loyal fans and hypeblinded people makes them rich.

I bought these games because I'm a fan. But honestly, if these games are yet another dud for me, it's going to be the last Pokémon game I ever buy. They did good with the Let's Go games, I really enjoyed them, and are probably the best remake they could make for the old games. So I might still consider remakes, after I read reviews, but no more main series games!

I hope this blog post wasn't too negative, I'm just concerned, and I wanted to really point it out, I want a good game for the price I paid. Anyone would get behind that, right?

Anyways, I hope this game is what I expect, and not what I'm concerned it'll be, and I hope people enjoy it~! ♥
Until next time~!

~ Kori

The year of 2019...

... has been one hell of a ride! And not a lot of good stuff has happened...

Hey~! Long time no write, again! I'm sorry I don't write much here, but I tend to keep updating my "fans" (or whatever I should call the people paying attention to me) on Twitter, Facebook and Discord rather than blogging these days. But I feel like it's better to write a longer and more detailed post when I first write here, kinda like a journal of sorts.

So what's happened so far this year? We're already in November, but it feels like spring was just yesterday.
I started the year in a very depressed state, as my personal economy was in ruins because I lost my support last year. It was hard for me, and I was unable to pay rent most of this year because of that. I'm still 4 months behind, but I've made a deal with my current landlord about this, and hopefully I'll get it resolved eventually.

In February my mother in law got diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We already had a hard time dealing with our financial state, so these were naturally not very great news. I was busy going to a course, and trying to get a job in all this, so it was a very stressful time. I remember the evening she was rushed to the hospital, and later called us to give us these grave news. She could barely speak. She was just crying, she was not ready for this. She was very afraid of dying. We tried our best to keep her spirit up. She could still manage through it, and I think she believed what we told her. She wasn't going to give up that easily, even though it was hard news to hear. There was a tumor type of lump growing onto her urethra, which gave her a lot of trouble, but they told her they could remove it if they got the cancer itself under control. So we kept telling her it would be ok.

March arrives, and I finally get a practice/intern job, at the storage at the local brewery! Things were starting to look a bit brighter. Mother in law had been staying in the hospital to get rid of sickness that made her unfit for chemo therapy, so we visited her in suits and masks during this time. She was really happy, yet appalled about my practice/intern job. She was joking about me running over others with my forklift! :) She was still doing good, and we were still very hopeful she'd get her chemo asap.

April comes, I'm still working, and mother in law finally got her first therapy, and got to come home! It was my birthday (the 15th) when she came home. I still feel bad about wanting all focus on me that day, I should have been joyful to see her on her feet, home again. She was so happy she didn't loose her hair, and we were all happy things looked so bright so far. We really thought it was going to be ok!

And then there was May...
Things started to look down pretty fast. She got sick while she was at home, as the nurses weren't careful enough with hygiene when they came to help her... Eventually she was sent back to the hospital, then to a type of nursing home, because the hospital didn't have the space to keep her there. She was always nauseous, and started to eat less. She puked things back up, and it was just terrible to see her in this condition. One day we got called down for a serious talk.
Her condition was worsening, and if she didn't eat anything soon, she would pass away from starvation. It was rough news after seeing her look so much better for a while, then spiraling down very fast. I started bringing her home made food, and it actually stayed down for the most part. But it was probably too late already.

By the middle of the month she was less responsive, and coming by her room to talk to her only ended up in tears in the hallway. We dreaded the visits, because we knew what was coming. The last week before she passed she didn't even respond, it was terrible. She was drugged to the limits of how much they could give her, and it felt horrible to keep her alive like that. It might sound morbid like this, but I'd rather be helped to die rather than lying there just waiting for it to happen if I had no way of recovering. She couldn't even move, and was just lying there. We visited her every day the last week, telling her good things, and remembering fun things that happened in the past. Her best friend even played her favorite music for her.
The 31st of May she passed away, there were a lot of tears shed that day. We had a very closed funeral a bit of a week later. Only close family, and of course her best friend, who stayed with her most of this time in and out of hospitals as well.

May was rough on both of us, but I was too busy keeping my practice/intern job to grieve for too long. I really wanted a steady job back then, and wanted to show how strong and resilient I was, just to have a chance. In June I was given the opportunity to get a forklift licence, and I eagerly went ahead and nailed the tests! I came back to the job with my paper in hand, and the boss was really pleased. He told me that what I just did was going to help me further down the line, job wise.
Later that month I was offered a summer job as a substitute throughout July and midway through August. I was really happy, and really looked forward to earning some money, and being able to pay off what I owed in rent!

Then July came, and my summer job began! I was really excited, and I even started riding my bike instead of the bus, just to get to work in time. My boss told me it was ok if I came in a bit late because of the bus, but I decided riding a bike also gave me some exercise. So I rode my bike to and from work, hit the shower when I came home most days, and relaxed. Only problem was that I was too exhausted to do anything after a day of work. The money was really needed, so I just pushed through, even though I was so tired that when it was around 5 pm, my eyes almost shut because I was so tired! But like I said, I just pushed through for that money I really needed.

Just 1 week into the month, we had to get Gizmo (my boyfriends childhood pet cat) to the vet. He's been on medications for his metabolism for the past 1-2 years, but he suddenly started to get thin again. They ran some tests on him, and we were really worried. She came back with the tests, and it turned out his kidneys were failing. We had the option to either put him down while we were still there, or we could take him home for one last night with him, before coming down again the next day. We chose the latter one, and took him home that night. I'll never regret that.
That evening he got ALL the treats we had on hand, and wet feed, and so much cuddling he was probably annoyed at us that night. He deserved all of it after the 16 years he's been around, even more. The next day we brought him back to the vet, and were with him through the whole thing, cuddling and relaxing him. He was very calm through it all, though he puked a bit from the sleep narcotics. Rin decided he wanted him cremated. It was originally his mom's cat, and wanted to put him in the grave with her, since they were so close.

Not more than a week later the next tragedy hit; Impa suddenly passed away. I was cuddling her like I usually did, and she was curled up around my neck, sleeping. Suddenly she started to move weird, like she was choking. She'd been doing it sometimes the past month, and we thought it was nothing, 'cause she tended to choke on food every now and then. But this time it was worse, way worse. She started to really spasm, a lot worse than before, and I started panicking and screaming her name. She started to calm down, but she also stopped breathing. I was crying by this point, trying to rub her upper body to make her breath again. I was desperate, and didn't know what to do. I listen to her heart, and it still beat for a while. After a minute of desperate prayers and rubbing, her heart finally stopped. I was really shaken up, and needed the day after off. I think that was the only day I took off during my summer job.

My summer job got extended by 2 weeks when my end date was close in August, and I was really happy! At least my hard work paid off, I thought! Nothing much happened during that month, except trying to work out stuff with Rin's inheritance, but I was sad to leave at the end of it.
One of my co-workers kept telling the others he missed me apparently. Felt good to know I'd left a positive impression on someone at least, I thought. :)

After this it took NAV almost 2 months to get me back into another activity, and another month (almost 2) to get my new support rolling. How is my current economic state? Not any better than when I started this year to be honest! That summer job did nothing to help me, because the NAV system failed to help me properly.

In the beginning of November I went to my doctor about the fact that I'm tired all the time, and asked for help. His solution was to get me checked for ME (Chronic fatigue syndrome), to see if that could be a possible cause for this fatigue of mine. So last week we sent a letter to the hospital, and I'll just have to wait for a response. I'm hoping to get to go through this check, but not sure what result I('m hoping for. On one side, if I got ME I'll have an easier time getting help and support, but on the other side; living with ME is not an ideal life to live either. But then again, if I really have it, would it be any different for me though? Nope, I'm already there!

So what's going on currently? Well, there is a lot of stressing about paperwork, and eventually moving into the apartment mother in law left behind. Unfortunately she left behind quite the debt, so Rin had to get a loan to keep it all. Luckily it seems like he's getting said loan, it's just a matter of time before it's all settled and we can move. That way I'll be able to pay less rent (seeing as I'll pay my boyfriend a bit each month instead), and we'll have more storage and living space.

Christmas this year might be a bit rough tho, but we've invited 2 friends to celebrate with us, and both said yes. So I personally is looking a bit forward to it, while kind of dreading it at the same time. it's definitely going to be different than we used to, as we used to celebrate with mother in law. But a good thing is that we usually went to her mom's place to celebrate, and not at her place.

So yeah... That was 2019 for me this year. Like I said in the beginning, not a lot of good things happened. I felt like finally writing about it, get things off my chest. I'll admit that I shed a few tears writing this, it wasn't easy. But yeah, I wanted to write about it to maybe heal a bit as well. I didn't grieve when I should have, so my process is lagging behind a bit.
I'm hoping 2020 has a lot more good to offer than this, and I hope you guys also take care of yourselves and your loved ones. You never really know when tragedy strikes, so better love while you can! ♥

~ Kori

Am I a bad person..?

So, I'm not trying to stir up any drama, but something came up earlier, and it made me reflect on a couple of things... I'm going to leave as much detail out of this, but some things just really bothered me. No personal info or names tho, that's not very nice to do!

It all startet last summer when I had a fight with a Twitch buddy of mine. It was around the time when I was detoxing myself from antidepressant pills that was clearly not good to me. They made me more forgetful, A LOT more carefree (we're talking skipping bills kind of carefree), and I generally wasn't myself while I was on them. The reason I was on them in the first place was because I struggle with bad anxiety, Anxious Avoidant Personality Disorder to be more specific. This causes me to be very paranoid, I can't stand big crowds, and I generally avoid social activities with larger groups of people. This disorder also goes hand in hand with depression. I never told anyone, but I've had suicidal thoughts, and I've actually tried to end my life once. I never tell anyone, because I don't want them to be sad or worried about me. Saying "I want to kill myself" only draws attention, and that's the LAST thing I want.

I had to medicate to be able to go to school the year I befriended this guy. He was really nice to me, and I remember him trying to lift me up as much as possible in my time of struggle and need. I never viewed him as a potential partner, never ever struck my mind, he was simply a very good friend of mine. Also I have a boyfriend, with whom I've been going strong with for 7 years this summer. Why in the living hell would I give him up for some stranger on the internet?? (No offence buddy)
Bottom line tho, he was a really nice friend I had, and one drunk stream while I was detoxing ruined EVERYTHING! I said some really stupid shit I regret, he said some stuff I probably deserved, and the whole situation was a mess...

So, I recently I decided it was time to get back in touch with this guy. We had previously tried to square things out, but things were still fresh and swollen back then, and now I finally feel ok, things are much better in my life, and my mental health has improved drastically. One of the reasons is probably after loosing a friend I had known for a long time. The issue with this friend however was that he constantly dragged me down. He said demeaning things to me, thinking they were compliments, when in reality they hurt and disgusted me. He also kept talking about how suicidal he was, and that he was going to die alone etc, which really dragged me down, as I felt helpless when I wanted to help him out somehow. I tried to express my feelings about these things to him, but to no use. When he hurt me, he thought he could buy me stuff etc to make me feel better. But if he's reading this, sorry, it didn't really help, my feelings were still hurt. A simple "sorry" was all I needed, instead you had to be the one on top, never backing down for anyone but yourself. So I had to let you go...

Back to present day; I'm currently looking into jobs as a storage worker. Driving forklifts, move stuff around, something less social than a store! I have a career goal that I know I can reach if I work hard enough; Truck driver! Things are going much better than when I met my Twitch buddy. And full honesty, I missed him. I missed having someone to talk to every day, about food, work, Twitch and so on. So I did the mistake of adding him back onto my Steam friends list. The next day he accepted, and asked me simply "Why the sudden add back?". I apologized for my over-reactive behavior back then, and I tried to explain myself. He accepted my apology, and we started to catch up with everything that had happened. It felt really good to be able to fix things, and I was really happy he was willing to give me another chance!

Sadly, a girl he cares for, didn't like it at all...

Tonight the drama started. I've been drama free for a couple of months now, I just don't like it, so I tend to just stay away from it. But somehow it keeps coming back for me!
Apparently she didn't like me, she thinks I'm fake, and she's blaming her anxiety for her behavior.

She told him to choose either her or me.
She told him to "probably quit streaming" 'cause I could turn up there.
She keeps telling him how much it hurt her that he added me back into his Steam friends list and talking to me, and how it made her want to hurt or kill herself...

I'm sorry...
I'm really sorry I made mistakes, and just simply wanted to fix something I broke when I myself was at a really bad low point, and wasn't even myself.
I'm sorry I missed having a friend to talk to, and lift up with me now that I feel much better!

I'm sorry I had some bad struggles back then that hurt the people around me, but I was fighting as best as I could against my inner demons...
The ones that say...

"YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND NEVER WILL BE!"
"EVERYONE HATES YOU!"
"EVERYONE JUDGES YOU AND TALK SHIT BEHIND YOUR BACK!"
"YOU'RE SO FUCKING UGLY, NOT EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES YOU!"

I'm sorry I got better and wanted people back in my life...
I'm sorry I am  was a bad person...

~ Kori

Warframe

Soooo... I've been playing this game since open beta, which is about 5 years ago, and I've been playing it on all platforms as well! I think I've got a collected 3-4K hours in this game, started from scratch 3 times, and I keep coming back to it. No wonder though, this game is Free 2 Play!
It's a game in constant change, and the game I'm talking about is of course:

Warframe is a game set in a futuristic setting, where there are several factions and aliens involved. You are a Tenno, a space ninja fighting for peace in our very familiar solar system, using suits called "Warframes", with different sets of abilities, to fight with. You're also equipped with Primary guns, sidearms and melee weapons, making for some really diverse gameplay.

The story is also pretty interesting, but I feel like they didn't start to really work on it until patch 18 (The Second Dream), where a very important main story quest was added, that answered some questions. After this, quests started to be more cinematic, and it seems like Digital Extremes (the devs) put a lot more work and effort into giving us really interesting and more immersive experiences with their story quests. I don't want to say too much about the story in the game, it's better experienced for yourself.

The gameplay is pretty simple though, but the game in general is grindy! So if you're not into doing the same mission several times, then this game might not be for you. You CAN skip the grinding and just go for the story, but the whole game revolves around grinding if you want to reach endgame properly. So far we got almost 40 different Warframes, whereof over half of them also got a prime variant that has slightly better/different stats. In addition we got hundreds of weapons at our disposal, be it shotguns, rifles, handguns, laser guns, swords or staffs, just to mention a few types.

They also try to upgrade the graphics on a regular basis, and the game looks very good, with a lot of detail. And since we got something us end game players call "fashion-frame" this might be kind of important! What's this "fashion-frame" thing you say? When you've reached the point in the game where you got very few things left to grind, you'll start thinking about how good your Warframes look! Or you might be like me and want to look good whether or not you've reached endgame. Anyways, in this game you got a lot of customization, which I think is great! Most of the customization you can do cost money though, a currency called platinum you buy for real money. But the currency is also tradeable, so if you're smart and grind certain items, you can sell said items to other players for platinum. In other words, if you don't mind grinding (or have lucky RNG) you can play this game completely free! You can also be lucky and get 20%, 50%, or even 75% off on a platinum purchase as a login reward! I've been pretty "lucky" and gotten 20% off several times, but I usually get these when I don't have money to buy anything anyways 😂

My Bootyful Nova ~ ♥

So what do I overall think about the game. Let's see...

- The graphics, as I mentioned before, look great! You might need a decent PC to run it at max graphics and have smooth 60fps, but it looks sooooo good too! Above you can see a screenshot I did in Cetus on Earth, and it looks pretty, right? I don't think I had the game on max graphics either!

- The sounds and music is very good too! I've caught myself humming on several tracks from this game, tho there isn't a lot of music in this game. It's mostly related to the quests you do, and the cutscenes, or at least that's where you notice it more. "We all lift together" and the theme for "The Sacrifice" update are some of my favorite scores from this game. You can actually find some of the music from the game on Spotify, which is really nice! I wish all of it was there though.

- Gameplay and mechanics may look complicated at first glance, but as soon as you get into it, you'll be just fine. The gameplay itself is pretty basic, and most things are self-explanatory, but when you get to the part of using the correct mods on the correct frames or weapons, that's where most people get lost! As soon as you get how it works however, and figure out how said Warframe or weapon works, modding is no longer an issue!

- This game has good controller support. BUT, and I've been complaining about this issue on PC for the loooongest time, there is one option missing on PC, and that's the "toggle crouch" option you got on consoles. Yeah, there is a keybind for toggle, but that's not the correct setting I'm looking for. The "toggle crouch" setting on consoles makes it so pressing the slide button for over 1 sec makes it toggle it. People in the forums always seems confused when I'm trying to explain this, as most are PC gamers only, and have no idea there is this separate option on consoles. I'm still hoping this will get fixed, though I kind of doubt it after so long 😋

- The story has been a bit all over the place, but it keeps getting more interesting. As mentioned before, it's been better after they started making story quest a bigger deal. I can imagine a new player might get a bit overwhelmed now though, as there is actually quite a good amount of information to take in, but most of it is very interesting. The cutscenes gives for a pretty intense storytelling as well.

Overall I think it's a pretty good game. I mean, it must be, considering I keep coming back after thousands of hours used in it, right? I would recommend it to anyone who likes sci-fi 3rd person shooters, with a hint of stealth (I mean, you're supposed to be a ninja). And since it's free to play pretty much anyone can play it, unless you got a very old PC. But even then you could still play it on either Xbox One, PS4 or Nintendo Switch (YES, you read that right, the Switch!) if you're more into console gaming. Sadly no crossplay though.

I hope you found this review helpful, but keep in mind that this game changes and is improved frequently.
Have you played it already? Tell me what you think in the comments 😊

Until next time~!

~Kori

New year, new rules! (New Kori?)

Heya all~! ✌

It's a new year, and I've decided I want to make some changes in my life, so here goes!

So last year was a total chaos, I tried antidepressants, which didn't work out too well, and I also lost a steady financial support I've been having for 4 years, and had my income cut into 1/3 of what I originally had! It was rough, but I survived! It put me on a bad spiral into depression again after finally regaining control after the pills wore out. That sucked, real bad. I had troubles getting bills paid, barely any money for food (I only bought cheap food, like 1$ bread etc), and had a really bad diet for about 3 months. But in December I finally got more info on the new course I'm currently going to, and I got to "earn" money by going there every day. Actually I get 100$ less each month now, but got some additional help from a close friend to pay off one of the debt collector, so my economic situation is a LITTLE bit better in general now.

But let's get into the "new year, new rules" part of this post, shall we..?
This year I decided to try and take more control over my life. Get things my way a little more, do things I like more, and at my own pace. Not give a damn what others think or say.
I also decided I don't want more negativity in my life. I've struggled with depression for far too long.

Now I want to just take control, and show anyone who's not nice to me the door. Enough is enough. If you decide to give me shit, I will gently ask you to reconsider what you just said, think it over, was it really worth it. If a person do not understand my point of view, is it then any reason to stay connected. It's all about mutual respect, and that means I'll show more positive mental attitude back to others as well. No more being slightly arrogant/mean in any discussions I peak my nose into. Actually I'm going to keep my distance from any negative/toxic discussions.

Instead I'll try to spread some more love, and show more compassion towards others. I've always wanted to be a good person, but all the hate and negativity I've experienced has made me mean to. And I don't like what I became, so it's time to make a change!

But I won't let assholes just roll over me, make no mistake! I know my worth, and nobody can take that away from me! I have good qualities, and bad ones, but I want to focus more on the good ones! I'll of course try and improve on the bad ones, but focusing too much on the negative just makes you sour and bitter in the end, just like it did to me.

I'm a bit ashamed of how I've been acting the past year, some of it has been because of the meds I was on the first half part of it, but I was just having such a hard time with everything. Of course, that's not a proper excuse, but it just wasn't really easy for me to be very positive.

Now it's a new year, and I've made myself some goals:

♥ Make people around me laugh!
♥ Loose some weight (I definitely need that)!
♥ Pay off at least half my official debt!
♥ Figure out what I really want out of my life!
♥ Hopefully reach 500 followers on Twitch!

I hope I at least manage to reach some of these goals to some extent, that would be really nice! 😁

So, new year new rules, the rules pretty much being:

- Be more kind to myself
- Be more kind to others
- Don't take shit from anyone

New year, new Kori, maybe? 🤔

Until next time (hopefully not too long this time)! 👋

~ Kori

Depression

Hey there!
For my followers, this is probably not a shock, but for new people, I'm sorry in advance for this very personal blog post.
But the title is pretty much what this is about; depression. And what it does to you.
I've been trying now for the last 7 years to get a job, without luck or success. I've been in this system called NAV (Norwegians will absolutely know what I'm talking about). It's a system controlled by the state, and it's supposed to help people get into a suitable working environment. Sadly, that haven't worked out very well for me.
In 2012 I moved down here, I moved away from my then current job (which I hated and had to go to therapy to endure). I hoped to start a new and better life down here. I moved 6-9 hours away from my family (depending on which part of it). I tried to apply for a lot of jobs, but none called me back. And for the record, I DID apply to ANY job possible, I was kinda desperate to not getting back into the NAV system, as I'd been there before, and felt like garbage when being in the system. So useless, and a waste of space. I wanted to work for my own money!
After a couple of months I finally had to get into the NAV system, and I got some financial support while they put me into a course, to "learn how to apply for jobs". When I was there I got praise for how well I wrote my CV, and they seemed surprised that I was even there. I was still applying for jobs, maybe a bit less than before, as I had something I was going to almost every day anyways. During this course we were placed in practice jobs we were interested in trying out. I told them that I wanted to try out anything with gaming/electronics or a pet store, or something similar to that. They couldn't help me with my first choice, so I ended up in the local pet store. And that was actually a perfectly fine job for me, I enjoyed the 2-3 months I had there! The reason we got put in these practice jobs however, was to see an opportunity to get employed while being there. But that didn't happen to me. In the middle of my last month, I got the message from my superiors that I wasn't gonna be employed, and the plan was to not even consider it during my stay there. This was a really hard thing to hear, especially since I was really insecure with myself from before. And back into the NAV system I went.
A couple of months later I got put into another course, much like the previous one, but another department. The same deal went on there, but this time I had a chance to try working at Gamestop! I'd been applying for a job there ever since I moved here, and finally I got one foot inside! And you know what? I loved the job there! After a while I got to attend an interview with the higher up boss there, and I got a job as a "call in", or whatever you call it. They call, I work. Simple as that. In the meantime I got to stay as a practice worker there, with the financial support from NAV still. It was fine, until the drama queen entered... Another girl got a practice job there as well, and we didn't really get along very well. I despised her lying, and she hated my guts for pointing out the lies.After a while she started to get under the boss' skin, and they seemed to work together to bully me out of there. The things they did and said, they slowly broke me down. I ended up not showing up, because facing them every day was hard and painful, and everything was making me depressed. After almost a month, I'd finally "maned up" and built up the courage to get back to work, only to be met with a resignation of my practice job. Which made me pissed at that point, as I did a big sale for them before he decided to bring me the news. Like, couldn't he have told me as I walked in the door, instead of after I had already been there an hour?! This made me angry, embarrassed and sad, all at once. I ended up sitting alone crying while waiting for the bus that day.
Half a year passes, and I get the psychological help I really needed at that point. I was nearly suicidal, and I was afraid to go outside. The psychiatrist was really nice to me, and we talked out a lot of my problems at that time. We also figured out that I was suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is quite fitting to how I feel etc. It means that I may avoid large groups of people, can have anxiety attacks, and have social anxiety. But that's not all, it also causes some to struggle with depression. BINGO! Some of my questions had been answered.
After a year of therapy I finally felt like I could try and get back into working again! This time they put me in a practice job, and internal one at a place called Delta (they were under NAVs control at that time) at a ads factory, where I learned how to print ads and applications for windows and cars, and how to apply those. It was a very interesting job, but not quite what I was looking for. After a few months I got transferred to another part of that facility, where they worked on repairing computers and making dimmers for lights. Basically basic electronics and PC repairs. And I loved it there! It was PERFECT for me! I had the knowledge to build and repair PCs, and the other things I learned quickly as I went on. But sadly, after almost half a year, I got the sad news that the department were being shut down. And there we go back into the depression hole again. I finally found something I enjoyed, and they decided to shut it down. Not only did I enjoy what I did there, but I felt like I was of use to someone! But yeah, that time was over as well. So I was yet again in the NAV system, and this time I wasn't put on any more courses. I wasn't doing anything for almost half a year, and then I got into a new system where I was going to this woman once a week, and she would help me and try to get in contact with various businesses to try to get a job, or practice job, directly. We tried out various places, but some refused to have me, because I had blue hair at that time. I finally got a practice job at a local convenience store. I kinda enjoyed it in the beginning, but after a while I felt like I didn't fit there at all, and I started to get small anxiety attacks I never told anyone about. I just told her I didn't want to work there anymore, because it was too stressful.
We then ended up getting me back into school, as she and my case handler at NAV said that becoming a teacher would be a good idea I came up with then. And I guess it was, if it weren't for my darn anxiety!
So I went to school for the past year now. First half a year I were gone a lot, because the anxiety got to me. I got several anxiety attacks during this period, and ended up just staying at home after a while. My doctor then prescribed me some antidepressants to use for my anxiety and some of the lingering depression that was still there. I used the whole of December to get used to them, but got back to school again in January. Everything were pretty fine for about a week, then the effects became the opposite when my doctor told me to up my dosages. Then I was basically back to square one. I told him how they changed effects, and we agreed on going back down. But the damage was already done. I lost 2 months of school because the pills used about a month to adjust in my system.
So let's jump to May, that's when things really got out of hand for me. I was trying to focus on school and stuff. Then I got the horrifying message; "We cut your financial support, until you have been to your doctor and proven that you're currently unable to work. New rules". I was already struggling badly keeping all my bills in check at this point, so this was not a very pleasant message to get. And my case handler wasn't specific enough to tell me WHAT kind of papers my doctor had to send, so I asked him to set up a check for me to see if I had something called fibromyalgia, which my mom and sister already struggle with. I got that confirmed, and sent her the papers, thinking that was enough. Nope, it was not! I had to make my doctor send a medical certificate stating that I was unfit to work at this time. That was over a month later, and none of my current bills had been possible to pay at that time. That led to me now having to deal with a mean debt collector, and not having money enough for other bills or food.
So yeah, my story so far, and it's not looking any better. The 20th of August I loose my financial support again, and I'll probably end up on the street. It's depressing AF, and I'm very nervous and anxious on how this will end...
I simply do not know what to do at this point.

Right now everything feels so hopeless, and I'm so scared..! I'm scared of loosing all I have, an I feel like I have nowhere to go. I need help but ain't getting it!

I have an appointment with my doctor the coming Wednesday, that I can't pay for, in the hopes he can help me in ANY way possible. Fingers crossed!

~Kori

Current gen Consoles

Heyo!
Long time no write (AGAIN!), lol.
Anyways, I had a small discussion with my boyfriend about all these console wars etc, so I decided to write this little blog post.This will basically be a post where I write what I like, and dislike, with the 3 current gen consoles; Xbox One, Playstation 4, and Nintendo Switch. Although the Xbox One X is being released this winter, I will not count any of the specs of it in this post, and neither the PS4 Pro. So this will be about my own experiences with the standard Xbox One (the first model with Kinect), and a standard PS4. The Switch doesn't have any variants yet, so that one's easy to keep track of x)
So... Let's do this!

Xbox One

So the Xbox One was the first of these consoles I acquired, and I was pretty satisfied. Throughout the years I've had it there's been a number of updates that has shaped the console and it's feel quite a bit. There have been a lot of bad things about these updates as well, but the community usually speaks up so that Microsoft knows what to do and not. However, I need to inform you that I'm actually a Preview member (which means I beta test updates), so my experience may have been different because of this. It is exciting to get a first hand look at new features.

Let's talk likes and dislikes, shall we?

What I like about it:

- Backwards compatibility! Of course I like it! What is there not to like? You can play a bunch of your old 360 games, both disc and digital! They are also working on making the old Xbox games work as well, which is also pretty sweet if you ask me.

- Connections with Windows 10. So this is actually a sweet feature with the Xbox One, which is built into Windows 10. This is mostly a good feature for PC users though. What you can do with it is managing/rename your video clips and screenshots, and download them to your PC. You can also track your achievement progress, chat with Xbox freinds (even voice chat), and stream games from your console onto your PC screen. I think this Windows app is pretty handy, since I'm a person who loves taking screenshots and video clips in-game :)

- Multi-platform purchases. So, this is also a feature for PC users as well. Some games support the option to buy the game on either platforms, but you can play them on both. Gears of War 4 is just one example I can come up with now. It's a great feature if you're like me, and want to be able to either have full control with mouse and keyboard, and later just chill on the sofa with the controller.

- The exclusives. I have a somewhat weird taste in video games, but the Xbox exclusives (compared to the other consoles) has the most appealing exclusives for me. I like shooter games a lot, and the Xbox have a decent bunch. I do like other types of games as well, but the Xbox library covers most of it :)

- The Kinect! Yeah, I actually like that thing! Deal with it!

What I dislike about it:

- The Mixer thing. This is apparently the new streaming service they offer, and they push it in your face by making an own tab for it on the home screen. NO THANK YOU, I USE TWITCH!

- Some faulty and unbearable updates. But these may have been to the fact that I get Beta updates.

Overall I feel like the Xbox One console is the one best suited for me, as it offers most of what I want in a console. It has it's flaws, but it still fit my bill.

Playstation 4

So I've only had my PS4 for about a year, but during that year I've used more time playing on it than my Xbox One. I'm a bit disappointed in they're line of exclusives though. Except the Kingdom Hearts Remixes, but they're just a remaster of a remaster *insert laughing crying face here*

Anyways, it's a good console, though there are some issues I wish Sony would have handled before releasing it. The OS on this system has had very few upgrades, but usually for the better. 

So, what do I like about it?

- The controller! Where do I start on this one... The touchpad is a nice touch (see what I did there) to how you play your video games. Not many games I've played supports this though, which is a bit sad. There is also a small speaker on the middle of the controller which also can be used in specific games, but I haven't seen much use of that either. The feel of the controller is also very comfortable, which surprised me a bit. It doesn't look very comfortable, but it is x)

- The Trophy system. I think it has a bit more to it than the Xbox Achievement system, as you get a Platinum Trophy whenever you finish all the other trophies, which makes it more clear that you've finished games 100%. This is something Xbox lacks, and the Trophy system is in general more systematic and less confusing in general.

What I don't like however:

- The Wi-fi card is shit! Yup, it has a really poor range, so you have to be pretty close to your modem/router if you're going to use it wirelessly. Otherwise I suggest doing like me and wire it!

- The copyright protection! This is a pain in the back for a streamer/Youtuber like me. I understand they want to protect their stuff etc, but this makes the PS4 SOOOO much less attractive for someone interested in streaming externally with a PC setup. I know about the setting switch, but still, it's a hassle to turn that thing on and off, and I'm afraid something may not be recorded because this setting is off/on (don't remember which).

- The problems with Party and NAT! I've stumble upon this issue several times already; I want to chat with a friend, but since we have different NATs, we can't. Why is this? WTF is even this? Never had this problem anywhere else yet x.x

The PS4 is overall a great system... If you like singleplayer games! And I've only liked a few of their exclusives, but as I said, I have a weird taste in video games, and I'm very picky. I generally like the system, but there are just too many things that at the same time drags it down. I would pick The PS4 for the single player experiences, aka the exclusives :)

Nintendo Switch

Ok, so this is my newest "member" in my console family, and I haven't really played much on it, honestly. But I feel I've played enough to have at least some decent opinions about it! So even though I'm not a huge fan of the Zelda games, Breath of the Wild took my breath away (omg, all these puns), and I've really enjoyed it so far. I've not played much of it yet though! So no spoilers!

But what is there to like about this console?

- The Switch ability! This is no shocker I believe, since it's the main feature of the console. It's pretty cool to be able to sit and chillaxe with a game, and if you gotta go somewhere, you can just pause the game, undock the console, and you're good to go! This has also become kind of a trend in our household, as it's easy to take with you into the bathroom xD Sometimes I hear Link screams through the bathroom door! o.o

- Splatoon 2! Probably the most fun shooter I've ever played! No K/D ratio bullshit, no chat unless you manually join a chat (so no manbabies or salty/toxic player interactions), and it's pretty well balanced.  It may look childish, but it's actually a lot of fun! (Also Breath of the Wild is good, but I haven't played that much yet)

Oh boy, there's going to be more dislikes than likes on this one!

What I don't like about the Switch:

- The controllers. The joycons are so tiny! Attached to the Switch is ok, but slid into the grip isn't as comfortable. I may have to buy myself a Pro-controller if I want to play more on a monitor. But it costs too much for me atm, soooo... sadface :(

- No achievement/trophy system! Why do I want this? Because it adds so much more replay value! Call me spoiled, but I rarely do a game 100% unless I get something to show for it, and achievements and trohpies is a good way to do so!

- No proper voice chat! This is a feature that would be greatly appreciated, and they kinda have a thing going on. But honestly that isn't good enough! It's clunky, and just troublesome in general. If the voice chat were in the console system itself, people would use it more. They have this parental control feature, so I don't see why a proper voice chat feature would be a problem.

The Nintendo Switch is, as I said, still a pretty new console, so hopefully some of the feedback they get will contribute to their progression of things like the systems OS etc. As of now, it's a decent console, but I don't play much on it. Maybe some Splatoon or Zelda here and there, but rarely even that. But the fact that it's a combo of stationary and handheld gives it a huge advantage! Can't wait to see Skyrim on this thing! Or a Pokémon game!

---

Soooo... This is how I feel about the current gaming consoles. Maybe you agree, maybe you disagree, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and here's mine. And PLEASE no "PC masterrace" bullshit in the comments :) It's getting old ;)
Anyways, got school tomorrow, better get to bed soon! x.x

Until next time~!

~Kori