Am I a bad person..?

So, I'm not trying to stir up any drama, but something came up earlier, and it made me reflect on a couple of things... I'm going to leave as much detail out of this, but some things just really bothered me. No personal info or names tho, that's not very nice to do!

It all startet last summer when I had a fight with a Twitch buddy of mine. It was around the time when I was detoxing myself from antidepressant pills that was clearly not good to me. They made me more forgetful, A LOT more carefree (we're talking skipping bills kind of carefree), and I generally wasn't myself while I was on them. The reason I was on them in the first place was because I struggle with bad anxiety, Anxious Avoidant Personality Disorder to be more specific. This causes me to be very paranoid, I can't stand big crowds, and I generally avoid social activities with larger groups of people. This disorder also goes hand in hand with depression. I never told anyone, but I've had suicidal thoughts, and I've actually tried to end my life once. I never tell anyone, because I don't want them to be sad or worried about me. Saying "I want to kill myself" only draws attention, and that's the LAST thing I want.

I had to medicate to be able to go to school the year I befriended this guy. He was really nice to me, and I remember him trying to lift me up as much as possible in my time of struggle and need. I never viewed him as a potential partner, never ever struck my mind, he was simply a very good friend of mine. Also I have a boyfriend, with whom I've been going strong with for 7 years this summer. Why in the living hell would I give him up for some stranger on the internet?? (No offence buddy)
Bottom line tho, he was a really nice friend I had, and one drunk stream while I was detoxing ruined EVERYTHING! I said some really stupid shit I regret, he said some stuff I probably deserved, and the whole situation was a mess...

So, I recently I decided it was time to get back in touch with this guy. We had previously tried to square things out, but things were still fresh and swollen back then, and now I finally feel ok, things are much better in my life, and my mental health has improved drastically. One of the reasons is probably after loosing a friend I had known for a long time. The issue with this friend however was that he constantly dragged me down. He said demeaning things to me, thinking they were compliments, when in reality they hurt and disgusted me. He also kept talking about how suicidal he was, and that he was going to die alone etc, which really dragged me down, as I felt helpless when I wanted to help him out somehow. I tried to express my feelings about these things to him, but to no use. When he hurt me, he thought he could buy me stuff etc to make me feel better. But if he's reading this, sorry, it didn't really help, my feelings were still hurt. A simple "sorry" was all I needed, instead you had to be the one on top, never backing down for anyone but yourself. So I had to let you go...

Back to present day; I'm currently looking into jobs as a storage worker. Driving forklifts, move stuff around, something less social than a store! I have a career goal that I know I can reach if I work hard enough; Truck driver! Things are going much better than when I met my Twitch buddy. And full honesty, I missed him. I missed having someone to talk to every day, about food, work, Twitch and so on. So I did the mistake of adding him back onto my Steam friends list. The next day he accepted, and asked me simply "Why the sudden add back?". I apologized for my over-reactive behavior back then, and I tried to explain myself. He accepted my apology, and we started to catch up with everything that had happened. It felt really good to be able to fix things, and I was really happy he was willing to give me another chance!

Sadly, a girl he cares for, didn't like it at all...

Tonight the drama started. I've been drama free for a couple of months now, I just don't like it, so I tend to just stay away from it. But somehow it keeps coming back for me!
Apparently she didn't like me, she thinks I'm fake, and she's blaming her anxiety for her behavior.

She told him to choose either her or me.
She told him to "probably quit streaming" 'cause I could turn up there.
She keeps telling him how much it hurt her that he added me back into his Steam friends list and talking to me, and how it made her want to hurt or kill herself...

I'm sorry...
I'm really sorry I made mistakes, and just simply wanted to fix something I broke when I myself was at a really bad low point, and wasn't even myself.
I'm sorry I missed having a friend to talk to, and lift up with me now that I feel much better!

I'm sorry I had some bad struggles back then that hurt the people around me, but I was fighting as best as I could against my inner demons...
The ones that say...

"YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND NEVER WILL BE!"
"EVERYONE HATES YOU!"
"EVERYONE JUDGES YOU AND TALK SHIT BEHIND YOUR BACK!"
"YOU'RE SO FUCKING UGLY, NOT EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES YOU!"

I'm sorry I got better and wanted people back in my life...
I'm sorry I am  was a bad person...

~ Kori