Hey~! Long time no write, again! I'm sorry I don't write much here, but I tend to keep updating my "fans" (or whatever I should call the people paying attention to me) on Twitter, Facebook and Discord rather than blogging these days. But I feel like it's better to write a longer and more detailed post when I first write here, kinda like a journal of sorts.
So what's happened so far this year? We're already in November, but it feels like spring was just yesterday.
I started the year in a very depressed state, as my personal economy was in ruins because I lost my support last year. It was hard for me, and I was unable to pay rent most of this year because of that. I'm still 4 months behind, but I've made a deal with my current landlord about this, and hopefully I'll get it resolved eventually.
In February my mother in law got diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We already had a hard time dealing with our financial state, so these were naturally not very great news. I was busy going to a course, and trying to get a job in all this, so it was a very stressful time. I remember the evening she was rushed to the hospital, and later called us to give us these grave news. She could barely speak. She was just crying, she was not ready for this. She was very afraid of dying. We tried our best to keep her spirit up. She could still manage through it, and I think she believed what we told her. She wasn't going to give up that easily, even though it was hard news to hear. There was a tumor type of lump growing onto her urethra, which gave her a lot of trouble, but they told her they could remove it if they got the cancer itself under control. So we kept telling her it would be ok.
March arrives, and I finally get a practice/intern job, at the storage at the local brewery! Things were starting to look a bit brighter. Mother in law had been staying in the hospital to get rid of sickness that made her unfit for chemo therapy, so we visited her in suits and masks during this time. She was really happy, yet appalled about my practice/intern job. She was joking about me running over others with my forklift! :) She was still doing good, and we were still very hopeful she'd get her chemo asap.
April comes, I'm still working, and mother in law finally got her first therapy, and got to come home! It was my birthday (the 15th) when she came home. I still feel bad about wanting all focus on me that day, I should have been joyful to see her on her feet, home again. She was so happy she didn't loose her hair, and we were all happy things looked so bright so far. We really thought it was going to be ok!
And then there was May...
Things started to look down pretty fast. She got sick while she was at home, as the nurses weren't careful enough with hygiene when they came to help her... Eventually she was sent back to the hospital, then to a type of nursing home, because the hospital didn't have the space to keep her there. She was always nauseous, and started to eat less. She puked things back up, and it was just terrible to see her in this condition. One day we got called down for a serious talk.
Her condition was worsening, and if she didn't eat anything soon, she would pass away from starvation. It was rough news after seeing her look so much better for a while, then spiraling down very fast. I started bringing her home made food, and it actually stayed down for the most part. But it was probably too late already.
By the middle of the month she was less responsive, and coming by her room to talk to her only ended up in tears in the hallway. We dreaded the visits, because we knew what was coming. The last week before she passed she didn't even respond, it was terrible. She was drugged to the limits of how much they could give her, and it felt horrible to keep her alive like that. It might sound morbid like this, but I'd rather be helped to die rather than lying there just waiting for it to happen if I had no way of recovering. She couldn't even move, and was just lying there. We visited her every day the last week, telling her good things, and remembering fun things that happened in the past. Her best friend even played her favorite music for her.
The 31st of May she passed away, there were a lot of tears shed that day. We had a very closed funeral a bit of a week later. Only close family, and of course her best friend, who stayed with her most of this time in and out of hospitals as well.
May was rough on both of us, but I was too busy keeping my practice/intern job to grieve for too long. I really wanted a steady job back then, and wanted to show how strong and resilient I was, just to have a chance. In June I was given the opportunity to get a forklift licence, and I eagerly went ahead and nailed the tests! I came back to the job with my paper in hand, and the boss was really pleased. He told me that what I just did was going to help me further down the line, job wise.
Later that month I was offered a summer job as a substitute throughout July and midway through August. I was really happy, and really looked forward to earning some money, and being able to pay off what I owed in rent!
Then July came, and my summer job began! I was really excited, and I even started riding my bike instead of the bus, just to get to work in time. My boss told me it was ok if I came in a bit late because of the bus, but I decided riding a bike also gave me some exercise. So I rode my bike to and from work, hit the shower when I came home most days, and relaxed. Only problem was that I was too exhausted to do anything after a day of work. The money was really needed, so I just pushed through, even though I was so tired that when it was around 5 pm, my eyes almost shut because I was so tired! But like I said, I just pushed through for that money I really needed.
Just 1 week into the month, we had to get Gizmo (my boyfriends childhood pet cat) to the vet. He's been on medications for his metabolism for the past 1-2 years, but he suddenly started to get thin again. They ran some tests on him, and we were really worried. She came back with the tests, and it turned out his kidneys were failing. We had the option to either put him down while we were still there, or we could take him home for one last night with him, before coming down again the next day. We chose the latter one, and took him home that night. I'll never regret that.
That evening he got ALL the treats we had on hand, and wet feed, and so much cuddling he was probably annoyed at us that night. He deserved all of it after the 16 years he's been around, even more. The next day we brought him back to the vet, and were with him through the whole thing, cuddling and relaxing him. He was very calm through it all, though he puked a bit from the sleep narcotics. Rin decided he wanted him cremated. It was originally his mom's cat, and wanted to put him in the grave with her, since they were so close.
Not more than a week later the next tragedy hit; Impa suddenly passed away. I was cuddling her like I usually did, and she was curled up around my neck, sleeping. Suddenly she started to move weird, like she was choking. She'd been doing it sometimes the past month, and we thought it was nothing, 'cause she tended to choke on food every now and then. But this time it was worse, way worse. She started to really spasm, a lot worse than before, and I started panicking and screaming her name. She started to calm down, but she also stopped breathing. I was crying by this point, trying to rub her upper body to make her breath again. I was desperate, and didn't know what to do. I listen to her heart, and it still beat for a while. After a minute of desperate prayers and rubbing, her heart finally stopped. I was really shaken up, and needed the day after off. I think that was the only day I took off during my summer job.
My summer job got extended by 2 weeks when my end date was close in August, and I was really happy! At least my hard work paid off, I thought! Nothing much happened during that month, except trying to work out stuff with Rin's inheritance, but I was sad to leave at the end of it.
One of my co-workers kept telling the others he missed me apparently. Felt good to know I'd left a positive impression on someone at least, I thought. :)
After this it took NAV almost 2 months to get me back into another activity, and another month (almost 2) to get my new support rolling. How is my current economic state? Not any better than when I started this year to be honest! That summer job did nothing to help me, because the NAV system failed to help me properly.
In the beginning of November I went to my doctor about the fact that I'm tired all the time, and asked for help. His solution was to get me checked for ME (Chronic fatigue syndrome), to see if that could be a possible cause for this fatigue of mine. So last week we sent a letter to the hospital, and I'll just have to wait for a response. I'm hoping to get to go through this check, but not sure what result I('m hoping for. On one side, if I got ME I'll have an easier time getting help and support, but on the other side; living with ME is not an ideal life to live either. But then again, if I really have it, would it be any different for me though? Nope, I'm already there!
So what's going on currently? Well, there is a lot of stressing about paperwork, and eventually moving into the apartment mother in law left behind. Unfortunately she left behind quite the debt, so Rin had to get a loan to keep it all. Luckily it seems like he's getting said loan, it's just a matter of time before it's all settled and we can move. That way I'll be able to pay less rent (seeing as I'll pay my boyfriend a bit each month instead), and we'll have more storage and living space.
Christmas this year might be a bit rough tho, but we've invited 2 friends to celebrate with us, and both said yes. So I personally is looking a bit forward to it, while kind of dreading it at the same time. it's definitely going to be different than we used to, as we used to celebrate with mother in law. But a good thing is that we usually went to her mom's place to celebrate, and not at her place.
So yeah... That was 2019 for me this year. Like I said in the beginning, not a lot of good things happened. I felt like finally writing about it, get things off my chest. I'll admit that I shed a few tears writing this, it wasn't easy. But yeah, I wanted to write about it to maybe heal a bit as well. I didn't grieve when I should have, so my process is lagging behind a bit.
I'm hoping 2020 has a lot more good to offer than this, and I hope you guys also take care of yourselves and your loved ones. You never really know when tragedy strikes, so better love while you can! ♥
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