Hey! Do you remember when I wrote that 2-part blog post on how I was at Desucon, and left one of my exes like 8-9 years ago? Weeeeeeeell, last year I gave him the chance to show me he's changed. In retrospect that was probably the worst decision ever made..!
So I am a very naive person, and I always want to give people 2nd and 3rd chances. So maybe I'm a little TOO naive for my own good. Anyways, I felt like I missed the fun gaming times with the guy, and the humor. So when he approached me the winter in 2019/2020, I accepted him with open arms. I regret that now sadly, and here's why.
First of all, I found out during a drinking party at my new place that he still had feelings for me. It was me, Chris, Frisky and him having a night of drinking and Cards Against Humanity. Was a lot of fun, not gonna lie. But then it was time for people to leave. Chris got a ride home from Frisky, and then Frisky went home afterwards. My ex told me he wanted to finish his beer, then call for a cab home. Well, that didn't exactly happen... Instead he started crying and telling me how hard it was to let me go, and he still had feelings for me... I didn't know how to handle the situation, I was frankly scared, and wanted him gone asap, so I sent Frisky a message about what happened and asked him to please come pick my ex up. But the love drama didn't end there. For the whole year to come I had to work with him on getting over me basically, telling him over and over again that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him anymore. I just wanted to be friends.
That summer he managed to stirr up drama with one of my male streamer friends, weaponizing my low self esteem. That streaming friend had apparently told him he didn't like my singing, and that set me off. It was during one of my periods, and my ex knew that. So he almost ended a years long friendship by only telling me half the truth. My streamer friend didn't really dislike my singing, but he felt like I sang very forced, which is a huge difference from what my ex told me. My ex told me he couldn't stand listening to me, and avoided voice chat where I was singing at all costs. I only figured that out much later, sadly, but I'm still friends with that other streamer.
Fall comes around, and I'm becoming increasingly insecure because my ex kept telling me that the guy I liked at work wasn't interested in me. But then I got together with that guy! Wow! He wasn't interested, huh..? Anyways, during that relationship my ex kept telling me things like "that's not normal in a relationship" etc, making me more insecure and desperate for attention from the guy I was with, to the point the guy couldn't handle it anymore, breaking up with me in March this year. And do you know what my ex did the night after...? He started hinting at his parents being ok with it if we were to get back together! The night after, when I needed company and comfort! Raiho, which I befriended again the same day as the breakup was there as well, and he was as shocked as me about what he kept on saying. 'Cause he kept on about it for a good while. So I decided then and there that I'd make a Tinder profile.
A month later I met Adrian through Facebook dating, and damn, it was a perfect match from day one. But Adrian had severe anxiety and extremely low self esteem when I met him. He doesn't like ex'es either, but he was going to try and work with that and accept my ex. I told my ex that, and to watch his mouth, no more sexual jokes towards me. But he didn't listen... I don't remember exactly what was written in my Discord server, but it was something about me, and my ex replied with "been there, done that". I was in voice chat with him at that moment, and I told him "you shouldn't have done that", where he simply replied with "what? He should get used to this, it's our humor!". No. That is not really my type of humor when I'm in a relationship. It is disrespectful in my opinion.
And that was the last straw... I was just done, so I decided to drop him, to cut ties completely. On Twitter he seemed to try and make me the bad person in this situation, which have led me to wanting to tell my side of this, get it off my chest. He missused my trust, and ruined a lot in the year we were friends. All that just to have some laughs during gaming sessions. Not worth it, not worth it at all...
But there were also other bits and pieces of troublesome behavior during this time...
My ex got his drivers license sometime during all of that above, and had offered to drive me places if needed, I just had to ask. He never specified any restrictions. I never really asked him to drive me places either, he often offered to go places with me. But the one and only time I asked, and I didn't ask him to drive me, I asked if he COULD if needed on one of my first sleepovers at my Adrians place. I deleted the message pretty quickly because Adrian seemed fine and was determined on me staying the night, to fight his anxiety. My ex was already driving me home the next day, so I thought nothing of asking for an earlier ride home. But to my ex that was overstepping... He proceeded to lecturing me about not expecting him to drive me everywhere just because he has a license now for half the trip home. He triggered my anxiety HARD in that car with him, I honestly just wanted to unbuckle and jump out of the car in full speed. He basically punished me for something he previously told me was ok.
Also during the time we were friends, he constantly told me I didn't have any diagnosis's, like I was perfectly normal and healthy. Only after showing proof of things he seemed to back down. I often felt like he didn't take me seriously, and brushed off all my stuff as "jokes". I told him and a few others of my friends that I've been suspecting I could be autistic, but he told me I was NOT. I couldn't be, I'm too "normal" and "functional" he said. Well, the neuropsychologist said otherwise... I think I would have sought out professional help much earlier if it weren't for him telling me these things, even back when I was together with him. He always knew better, especially in the medical field, just because he went to high school to be a social worker. He always bragged about being so good at twisting people psychologically. That sounds like it should be a warning sign in itself now that I think about it...
He also kept calling me and my friends "bitch" and "cunt" as well, which I guess was fun, but at the same time it wasn't. He also had a bad influence on me, making me talk shit about my friends behind their backs, and I'm so sorry about that... I usually don't do that, but he kept riling me up to do/say things by starting it. Looking back at it now I should have told him I felt uncomfortable with this manner, he even broke Chris to tears one time, 'cause he was pretty much bullying him... I should have stepped in and stopped him instead of joining him, but he made me think it was ok even if I knew it wasn't... I guess I'm weak to peer pressure, that or he just got so deep into my head...
So this is why I cut ties. He still obsessed over me 8-9 years after the breakup, and he seemed to try all in his power to make me his again, even though he probably won't admit it now. He even tried to lower my self esteem to reach his goal, and that's pretty low. If only I actually cut ties already last year when I first wanted to do it... Oh well, at least he's gone for good this time :)
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