New year, new rules! (New Kori?)

Heya all~! ✌

It's a new year, and I've decided I want to make some changes in my life, so here goes!

So last year was a total chaos, I tried antidepressants, which didn't work out too well, and I also lost a steady financial support I've been having for 4 years, and had my income cut into 1/3 of what I originally had! It was rough, but I survived! It put me on a bad spiral into depression again after finally regaining control after the pills wore out. That sucked, real bad. I had troubles getting bills paid, barely any money for food (I only bought cheap food, like 1$ bread etc), and had a really bad diet for about 3 months. But in December I finally got more info on the new course I'm currently going to, and I got to "earn" money by going there every day. Actually I get 100$ less each month now, but got some additional help from a close friend to pay off one of the debt collector, so my economic situation is a LITTLE bit better in general now.

But let's get into the "new year, new rules" part of this post, shall we..?
This year I decided to try and take more control over my life. Get things my way a little more, do things I like more, and at my own pace. Not give a damn what others think or say.
I also decided I don't want more negativity in my life. I've struggled with depression for far too long.

Now I want to just take control, and show anyone who's not nice to me the door. Enough is enough. If you decide to give me shit, I will gently ask you to reconsider what you just said, think it over, was it really worth it. If a person do not understand my point of view, is it then any reason to stay connected. It's all about mutual respect, and that means I'll show more positive mental attitude back to others as well. No more being slightly arrogant/mean in any discussions I peak my nose into. Actually I'm going to keep my distance from any negative/toxic discussions.

Instead I'll try to spread some more love, and show more compassion towards others. I've always wanted to be a good person, but all the hate and negativity I've experienced has made me mean to. And I don't like what I became, so it's time to make a change!

But I won't let assholes just roll over me, make no mistake! I know my worth, and nobody can take that away from me! I have good qualities, and bad ones, but I want to focus more on the good ones! I'll of course try and improve on the bad ones, but focusing too much on the negative just makes you sour and bitter in the end, just like it did to me.

I'm a bit ashamed of how I've been acting the past year, some of it has been because of the meds I was on the first half part of it, but I was just having such a hard time with everything. Of course, that's not a proper excuse, but it just wasn't really easy for me to be very positive.

Now it's a new year, and I've made myself some goals:

♥ Make people around me laugh!
♥ Loose some weight (I definitely need that)!
♥ Pay off at least half my official debt!
♥ Figure out what I really want out of my life!
♥ Hopefully reach 500 followers on Twitch!

I hope I at least manage to reach some of these goals to some extent, that would be really nice! 😁

So, new year new rules, the rules pretty much being:

- Be more kind to myself
- Be more kind to others
- Don't take shit from anyone

New year, new Kori, maybe? 🤔

Until next time (hopefully not too long this time)! 👋

~ Kori

Depression

Hey there!
For my followers, this is probably not a shock, but for new people, I'm sorry in advance for this very personal blog post.
But the title is pretty much what this is about; depression. And what it does to you.
I've been trying now for the last 7 years to get a job, without luck or success. I've been in this system called NAV (Norwegians will absolutely know what I'm talking about). It's a system controlled by the state, and it's supposed to help people get into a suitable working environment. Sadly, that haven't worked out very well for me.
In 2012 I moved down here, I moved away from my then current job (which I hated and had to go to therapy to endure). I hoped to start a new and better life down here. I moved 6-9 hours away from my family (depending on which part of it). I tried to apply for a lot of jobs, but none called me back. And for the record, I DID apply to ANY job possible, I was kinda desperate to not getting back into the NAV system, as I'd been there before, and felt like garbage when being in the system. So useless, and a waste of space. I wanted to work for my own money!
After a couple of months I finally had to get into the NAV system, and I got some financial support while they put me into a course, to "learn how to apply for jobs". When I was there I got praise for how well I wrote my CV, and they seemed surprised that I was even there. I was still applying for jobs, maybe a bit less than before, as I had something I was going to almost every day anyways. During this course we were placed in practice jobs we were interested in trying out. I told them that I wanted to try out anything with gaming/electronics or a pet store, or something similar to that. They couldn't help me with my first choice, so I ended up in the local pet store. And that was actually a perfectly fine job for me, I enjoyed the 2-3 months I had there! The reason we got put in these practice jobs however, was to see an opportunity to get employed while being there. But that didn't happen to me. In the middle of my last month, I got the message from my superiors that I wasn't gonna be employed, and the plan was to not even consider it during my stay there. This was a really hard thing to hear, especially since I was really insecure with myself from before. And back into the NAV system I went.
A couple of months later I got put into another course, much like the previous one, but another department. The same deal went on there, but this time I had a chance to try working at Gamestop! I'd been applying for a job there ever since I moved here, and finally I got one foot inside! And you know what? I loved the job there! After a while I got to attend an interview with the higher up boss there, and I got a job as a "call in", or whatever you call it. They call, I work. Simple as that. In the meantime I got to stay as a practice worker there, with the financial support from NAV still. It was fine, until the drama queen entered... Another girl got a practice job there as well, and we didn't really get along very well. I despised her lying, and she hated my guts for pointing out the lies.After a while she started to get under the boss' skin, and they seemed to work together to bully me out of there. The things they did and said, they slowly broke me down. I ended up not showing up, because facing them every day was hard and painful, and everything was making me depressed. After almost a month, I'd finally "maned up" and built up the courage to get back to work, only to be met with a resignation of my practice job. Which made me pissed at that point, as I did a big sale for them before he decided to bring me the news. Like, couldn't he have told me as I walked in the door, instead of after I had already been there an hour?! This made me angry, embarrassed and sad, all at once. I ended up sitting alone crying while waiting for the bus that day.
Half a year passes, and I get the psychological help I really needed at that point. I was nearly suicidal, and I was afraid to go outside. The psychiatrist was really nice to me, and we talked out a lot of my problems at that time. We also figured out that I was suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is quite fitting to how I feel etc. It means that I may avoid large groups of people, can have anxiety attacks, and have social anxiety. But that's not all, it also causes some to struggle with depression. BINGO! Some of my questions had been answered.
After a year of therapy I finally felt like I could try and get back into working again! This time they put me in a practice job, and internal one at a place called Delta (they were under NAVs control at that time) at a ads factory, where I learned how to print ads and applications for windows and cars, and how to apply those. It was a very interesting job, but not quite what I was looking for. After a few months I got transferred to another part of that facility, where they worked on repairing computers and making dimmers for lights. Basically basic electronics and PC repairs. And I loved it there! It was PERFECT for me! I had the knowledge to build and repair PCs, and the other things I learned quickly as I went on. But sadly, after almost half a year, I got the sad news that the department were being shut down. And there we go back into the depression hole again. I finally found something I enjoyed, and they decided to shut it down. Not only did I enjoy what I did there, but I felt like I was of use to someone! But yeah, that time was over as well. So I was yet again in the NAV system, and this time I wasn't put on any more courses. I wasn't doing anything for almost half a year, and then I got into a new system where I was going to this woman once a week, and she would help me and try to get in contact with various businesses to try to get a job, or practice job, directly. We tried out various places, but some refused to have me, because I had blue hair at that time. I finally got a practice job at a local convenience store. I kinda enjoyed it in the beginning, but after a while I felt like I didn't fit there at all, and I started to get small anxiety attacks I never told anyone about. I just told her I didn't want to work there anymore, because it was too stressful.
We then ended up getting me back into school, as she and my case handler at NAV said that becoming a teacher would be a good idea I came up with then. And I guess it was, if it weren't for my darn anxiety!
So I went to school for the past year now. First half a year I were gone a lot, because the anxiety got to me. I got several anxiety attacks during this period, and ended up just staying at home after a while. My doctor then prescribed me some antidepressants to use for my anxiety and some of the lingering depression that was still there. I used the whole of December to get used to them, but got back to school again in January. Everything were pretty fine for about a week, then the effects became the opposite when my doctor told me to up my dosages. Then I was basically back to square one. I told him how they changed effects, and we agreed on going back down. But the damage was already done. I lost 2 months of school because the pills used about a month to adjust in my system.
So let's jump to May, that's when things really got out of hand for me. I was trying to focus on school and stuff. Then I got the horrifying message; "We cut your financial support, until you have been to your doctor and proven that you're currently unable to work. New rules". I was already struggling badly keeping all my bills in check at this point, so this was not a very pleasant message to get. And my case handler wasn't specific enough to tell me WHAT kind of papers my doctor had to send, so I asked him to set up a check for me to see if I had something called fibromyalgia, which my mom and sister already struggle with. I got that confirmed, and sent her the papers, thinking that was enough. Nope, it was not! I had to make my doctor send a medical certificate stating that I was unfit to work at this time. That was over a month later, and none of my current bills had been possible to pay at that time. That led to me now having to deal with a mean debt collector, and not having money enough for other bills or food.
So yeah, my story so far, and it's not looking any better. The 20th of August I loose my financial support again, and I'll probably end up on the street. It's depressing AF, and I'm very nervous and anxious on how this will end...
I simply do not know what to do at this point.

Right now everything feels so hopeless, and I'm so scared..! I'm scared of loosing all I have, an I feel like I have nowhere to go. I need help but ain't getting it!

I have an appointment with my doctor the coming Wednesday, that I can't pay for, in the hopes he can help me in ANY way possible. Fingers crossed!

~Kori

Current gen Consoles

Heyo!
Long time no write (AGAIN!), lol.
Anyways, I had a small discussion with my boyfriend about all these console wars etc, so I decided to write this little blog post.This will basically be a post where I write what I like, and dislike, with the 3 current gen consoles; Xbox One, Playstation 4, and Nintendo Switch. Although the Xbox One X is being released this winter, I will not count any of the specs of it in this post, and neither the PS4 Pro. So this will be about my own experiences with the standard Xbox One (the first model with Kinect), and a standard PS4. The Switch doesn't have any variants yet, so that one's easy to keep track of x)
So... Let's do this!

Xbox One

So the Xbox One was the first of these consoles I acquired, and I was pretty satisfied. Throughout the years I've had it there's been a number of updates that has shaped the console and it's feel quite a bit. There have been a lot of bad things about these updates as well, but the community usually speaks up so that Microsoft knows what to do and not. However, I need to inform you that I'm actually a Preview member (which means I beta test updates), so my experience may have been different because of this. It is exciting to get a first hand look at new features.

Let's talk likes and dislikes, shall we?

What I like about it:

- Backwards compatibility! Of course I like it! What is there not to like? You can play a bunch of your old 360 games, both disc and digital! They are also working on making the old Xbox games work as well, which is also pretty sweet if you ask me.

- Connections with Windows 10. So this is actually a sweet feature with the Xbox One, which is built into Windows 10. This is mostly a good feature for PC users though. What you can do with it is managing/rename your video clips and screenshots, and download them to your PC. You can also track your achievement progress, chat with Xbox freinds (even voice chat), and stream games from your console onto your PC screen. I think this Windows app is pretty handy, since I'm a person who loves taking screenshots and video clips in-game :)

- Multi-platform purchases. So, this is also a feature for PC users as well. Some games support the option to buy the game on either platforms, but you can play them on both. Gears of War 4 is just one example I can come up with now. It's a great feature if you're like me, and want to be able to either have full control with mouse and keyboard, and later just chill on the sofa with the controller.

- The exclusives. I have a somewhat weird taste in video games, but the Xbox exclusives (compared to the other consoles) has the most appealing exclusives for me. I like shooter games a lot, and the Xbox have a decent bunch. I do like other types of games as well, but the Xbox library covers most of it :)

- The Kinect! Yeah, I actually like that thing! Deal with it!

What I dislike about it:

- The Mixer thing. This is apparently the new streaming service they offer, and they push it in your face by making an own tab for it on the home screen. NO THANK YOU, I USE TWITCH!

- Some faulty and unbearable updates. But these may have been to the fact that I get Beta updates.

Overall I feel like the Xbox One console is the one best suited for me, as it offers most of what I want in a console. It has it's flaws, but it still fit my bill.

Playstation 4

So I've only had my PS4 for about a year, but during that year I've used more time playing on it than my Xbox One. I'm a bit disappointed in they're line of exclusives though. Except the Kingdom Hearts Remixes, but they're just a remaster of a remaster *insert laughing crying face here*

Anyways, it's a good console, though there are some issues I wish Sony would have handled before releasing it. The OS on this system has had very few upgrades, but usually for the better. 

So, what do I like about it?

- The controller! Where do I start on this one... The touchpad is a nice touch (see what I did there) to how you play your video games. Not many games I've played supports this though, which is a bit sad. There is also a small speaker on the middle of the controller which also can be used in specific games, but I haven't seen much use of that either. The feel of the controller is also very comfortable, which surprised me a bit. It doesn't look very comfortable, but it is x)

- The Trophy system. I think it has a bit more to it than the Xbox Achievement system, as you get a Platinum Trophy whenever you finish all the other trophies, which makes it more clear that you've finished games 100%. This is something Xbox lacks, and the Trophy system is in general more systematic and less confusing in general.

What I don't like however:

- The Wi-fi card is shit! Yup, it has a really poor range, so you have to be pretty close to your modem/router if you're going to use it wirelessly. Otherwise I suggest doing like me and wire it!

- The copyright protection! This is a pain in the back for a streamer/Youtuber like me. I understand they want to protect their stuff etc, but this makes the PS4 SOOOO much less attractive for someone interested in streaming externally with a PC setup. I know about the setting switch, but still, it's a hassle to turn that thing on and off, and I'm afraid something may not be recorded because this setting is off/on (don't remember which).

- The problems with Party and NAT! I've stumble upon this issue several times already; I want to chat with a friend, but since we have different NATs, we can't. Why is this? WTF is even this? Never had this problem anywhere else yet x.x

The PS4 is overall a great system... If you like singleplayer games! And I've only liked a few of their exclusives, but as I said, I have a weird taste in video games, and I'm very picky. I generally like the system, but there are just too many things that at the same time drags it down. I would pick The PS4 for the single player experiences, aka the exclusives :)

Nintendo Switch

Ok, so this is my newest "member" in my console family, and I haven't really played much on it, honestly. But I feel I've played enough to have at least some decent opinions about it! So even though I'm not a huge fan of the Zelda games, Breath of the Wild took my breath away (omg, all these puns), and I've really enjoyed it so far. I've not played much of it yet though! So no spoilers!

But what is there to like about this console?

- The Switch ability! This is no shocker I believe, since it's the main feature of the console. It's pretty cool to be able to sit and chillaxe with a game, and if you gotta go somewhere, you can just pause the game, undock the console, and you're good to go! This has also become kind of a trend in our household, as it's easy to take with you into the bathroom xD Sometimes I hear Link screams through the bathroom door! o.o

- Splatoon 2! Probably the most fun shooter I've ever played! No K/D ratio bullshit, no chat unless you manually join a chat (so no manbabies or salty/toxic player interactions), and it's pretty well balanced.  It may look childish, but it's actually a lot of fun! (Also Breath of the Wild is good, but I haven't played that much yet)

Oh boy, there's going to be more dislikes than likes on this one!

What I don't like about the Switch:

- The controllers. The joycons are so tiny! Attached to the Switch is ok, but slid into the grip isn't as comfortable. I may have to buy myself a Pro-controller if I want to play more on a monitor. But it costs too much for me atm, soooo... sadface :(

- No achievement/trophy system! Why do I want this? Because it adds so much more replay value! Call me spoiled, but I rarely do a game 100% unless I get something to show for it, and achievements and trohpies is a good way to do so!

- No proper voice chat! This is a feature that would be greatly appreciated, and they kinda have a thing going on. But honestly that isn't good enough! It's clunky, and just troublesome in general. If the voice chat were in the console system itself, people would use it more. They have this parental control feature, so I don't see why a proper voice chat feature would be a problem.

The Nintendo Switch is, as I said, still a pretty new console, so hopefully some of the feedback they get will contribute to their progression of things like the systems OS etc. As of now, it's a decent console, but I don't play much on it. Maybe some Splatoon or Zelda here and there, but rarely even that. But the fact that it's a combo of stationary and handheld gives it a huge advantage! Can't wait to see Skyrim on this thing! Or a Pokémon game!

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Soooo... This is how I feel about the current gaming consoles. Maybe you agree, maybe you disagree, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and here's mine. And PLEASE no "PC masterrace" bullshit in the comments :) It's getting old ;)
Anyways, got school tomorrow, better get to bed soon! x.x

Until next time~!

~Kori