2021 was... interesting..!

Heya! It's that time of the year again, so here comes another year summary! I don't remember how this became a thing, but now it is x) This year was... Interesting to say the least. I tried new things, got in another new relationship, and even moved again! Was cheaper that way, since I was always at my new boyfriend's place most of the time anyways x) But let's back up a little now, and I'll tell you all about my year, which was much better than the previous one to be honest. I cut ties with some toxic people and learned more about setting boundaries. I also met a very kind man who's now my new boyfriend. So let's start with the bad start of the year...

It started out pretty shitty to be honest. You probably remember I had this boyfriend I had a crush on for 2 years until he finally gave me a chance. Well, that went sour pretty fast after we started getting more intimate. Christmas 2020 I sat alone on Christmas eve because he felt it was too soon to let me meet his mother. We had known each other for almost 2 years for crying out loud! And been together for 2 months by then... He did spend New Years eve with me though, it was good then. But then I told him I loved him a week later, and he became distant, and told me he had to take a step back to think things through... Left me alone to cry over the fact, and the fact that I cut ties with my mother on the new year change, on Valentine's day. The worst day that year for sure! By the end of the month I had to get an answer from him; were we still a thing or not?! And the answer was that he didn't have any romantic feelings towards me anymore. I was heartbroken, crushed...

So I decided to try something new for a change; Dating apps! I was honestly surprised by the amount of likes I got etc, I don't find myself too attractive, just about average. But something also tells me guys are less picky than us gals too😅 I ended up talking to several guys through Tinder, but it quickly became overwhelming, so I deleted it after a week. Tried again a week later, as well as Facebook dating. I actually had a date with one guy, which went kind of terribly. Considering making a storytime like video about it on my YouTube channel, it was super awkward. For the poor guys sake I'll leave out his identity, he tried his best, but we simply didn't match, like at all. I'm very much a gamer, and he was not, which is not ideal to me to be honest.

Then in the end of March, on Facebook Dating, I met Adrian. He had liked me, but I was hesitant to like him back because of the distance between us, and at that point I aimed to find someone in the same city as me. But he was cute though, and 30 minutes drive away isn't that far, right..? So I decided to like him back after thinking about it for a day, and was eagerly waiting for him to send a message, I had stated that I'm REALLY bad at saying hi first, so if they were REALLY interested they needed to send the first message (I'm very insecure, so fear of rejection was in my way here, it's not that I'm stuck up or anything). I think he sent me a message the same day, and it was a really cute message, asking me for more info about things I had mentioned in my bio. We ended up talking a while, and after a few days I had grown eager to meet him, so after a bit of back and forth from him, I came over to see him for the first time on April the 9th.

The first meeting was kind of awkward, but only in the beginning. He actually looked really scared when we were sitting in his couch, all hunched up like a ball in the other end from here I was sitting. But as we talked, he felt more comfortable/confident to come closer, and eventually hug me. After talking for a while we played a video game he liked that I'd never heard of before, and we had a really good time. And after that he was feeling a bit tired so he asked me if we could go into the bedroom and relax some. And NO, we didn't do anything kinky, I'm not that kind of gal that fucks on the first date! We were just laying there on the bed together and talked and cuddled. After a while we ended up kissing though, and it was amazing! But then my alarm for the last bus started beeping, and I had to get ready to go... We were both a bit upset I had to leave, but I couldn't stay over, so that was just how it had to be. We hugged and kissed goodbye, and I was on my way. On the bus stop I decided I wanted to go the next step with him, since he also seemed to feel the same way. We were both very much in love with each other by that point, so I didn't think it was weird to change my status on Facebook to "in a relationship" with him, so I did. He was ecstatic about it, but had a bit of trouble understanding how he accepted it, and I was super worried he wasn't that into it because he didn't accept it right away😅

I feel like it's necessary to explain a few things about him though, why things might seem weird about our meeting etc to outsiders. First of all; he hasn't eaten solid food in 4 years. Why? Well, 4 years ago he had an throat infection while eating a slice of pizza with nachos on it. He managed to get said nacho stuck in his throat, and that caused him to get so scared afterwards that he  hasn't really been able to eat since. It's probably also worth to mention he also has Asperger's syndrome, so he deals with a lot of obsessive thoughts. So the anxiety about getting something stuck again, or that he might have ruined his throat that one time, has been too strong for him to be able to eat. Because of this he had to get a PEG probe after getting severely thin, he weighed less than 50 kg and is about my height which is around 167cm. He got this inserted in August the year before we met, and because of severe chronical pain it caused he pulled it out that February after talking to his doctor about it. While he had these issues he was also on some strong anti anxiety meds, a type of benzo, which was the only thing keeping him calm, and not having panic attacks aplenty, at that time. He was probably also very addicted to them when I met him, and the day I came over he was pretty much drugged down because he was so anxious and nervous about it all. I had no idea how severe his situation actually were at the time, but I've tried my best to help him ever since, and things are finally looking brighter for him now. Anyways, back to the year summary!

The next week I got a call about a job that I was interested in! But guess where... The brewery... But this time I was to work on the other department of it, the actual brewery/bottling part of it! So I thought it was going to be fine. One month in however I felt very overwhelmed, and anxiety and high stress levels started to tear me apart mentally. I talked to my employer almost every week, telling him I'm not sure if I can do this, and not sure if I'd last much longer, until I hit my breaking point one and a half month into the job. After my Autism "research" I finally realized what I'd experienced was actually a autistic meltdown. Too many things had gone wrong that day, so when a beer can fell down and burst, showering me with beer, I had a really weird  kind of explosion inside me. I suddenly got REALLY angry, so I just had to leave to the changing room and get changed. On my way there I almost started crying, I was just totally out of it, and there were like a tornado of emotions swirling inside me, and I simply couldn't control it. In the changing room I started crying for real, and sent my employer a message telling him what had happened, and I needed this to end NOW. He understood, and relayed the message to the boss of my department. They all seemed understanding, and I was allowed to leave almost right away. I was relieved.

After this incident I decided to REALLY take the possibility of me being autistic seriously, so I contacted my doctor about it, and he referred me to the right specialists, and in December I got my diagnosis, which I wrote about in my previous blog post 😊

While all of this was going on I was visiting Adrian regularly, and I even slept over from time to time. I also cut ties with that ex I mentioned in another blog post, as that friendship wasn't good for any of us to be honest. I don't like it when people get into my head and plays with me like that guy did. It's just plain bad in my opinion. But back to Adrian! We played Xbox together the days I wasn't over, but when I quit my job, the stays at his place became longer and longer. And I brought more and more of my things over. We just couldn't get enough of each other! So by the end of August I was officially moved in with him, and so it has stayed to this day 😊 During the summer I helped him get off the benzo's, and helped him get doctors to actually look at him, and figure out why he's in such bad constant pain. In December we finally got an answer and a probable solution; The hole from the PEG probe went straight through a nerve, and that nerve has been sending bad signals to the brain since that was inserted. Now there's scar tissue instead of a tube, and that scar tissue is causing the same issue, so the solution seems to be to cut that tissue out and sew the wound together instead (which was not done when he first pulled it out). So we're currently waiting for an open spot to get this surgery done, they promised to try and get him in by the end of January, and we're both anxious and excited to get this over with. Really hoping this helps him get rid of the pain! He told me he wants to marry me when he gets better, and I'm honestly looking forward to that. I think I've finally found my perfect match, a guy I want to spend the rest of my life with♥

So that's pretty much my 2021! I've also worked more on my drawings too, finally finishing up the first chapter of my manga and started on the next one. And with an autism diagnosis I hope to be able to apply for Disability Benefits, so that I can focus more on my art as well since that's something that truly brings me joy and feeling of fulfillment in life! So let's hope for all good things and blessings in the year of 2022~! Until next time~!

~Kori

Diagnosed with ASD in my 30s

Hey there! I'm back to delight you with another blog post about me, myself, and I! People following this blog might follow it because I'm the one writing it, and somehow my posts are interesting..? I dunno, I don't mean to sound self-centered or anything, but to me personally this was a very important thing to talk about for me. I want to spread awareness about females on the spectrum, because they are very hard to spot! This is going to be a lengthy read though, so grab a snack!

Anyways, here I am, after taking in the fact that I've just been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a diagnosis that puts me in the Autism Spectrum. I prefer to refer to it as ASD though, which stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder for those not in the know. It took about half a year to diagnose me, it felt like an eternity. But in the end I feel like it was worth it, and the result didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, though I have been unsure because people around me told me I COULDN'T be autistic. But now I got the answer to some life-long questions; Why am I so different? Why doesn't people understand me? Why Do I feel so out of place here? Why is relations so hard in general?

I've been asking myself these questions since as long as I can remember. Only earlier this year did I start looking into autism in females, when I realized we portray it differently. And oh boy was that quite a ride! And so many revelations! Well, we DO have some similarities to the guys, but the symptoms of the same things differ in how they show.

Take special interests for example! Most autistic girls have typical girl interests as their special interest. And girls seems to also switch up their interests every now and then. I can have an intense interest in a subject for a while, then tire out and switch it with something new. I also have 2 consistent subjects though; Pokémon and Kingdom Hearts. Though I've gotten slightly tired of those as well, mostly because the latest games haven't been too good in my opinion. The ending of Kingdom Hearts 3 wasn't even an ending! And they changed Pokémon too much! They locked too much behind a paid DLC! *whines*

That takes me to the next symptom; hating changes! And og boy, I do hate them! Why can't design on daily wares just stay as is? Why change something people are used to? I actually have a very recent example of how change caused me to have a meltdown! I've owned a Razor Naga Trinity mouse for about 3 years, LOVED it! The past year it's been acting up BADLY, double clicking when I just normal clicked, and wouldn't hold when I held down the button. Made me rage way more than I dare to admit to be honest... Anyways, so I found out they have wireless version, the Razor Naga Pro, so my logical thinking went through the process of weighing up the positives with wireless, cables break easy etc, and decided to go for it! Both these mice have changeable side panels btw, which is a very neat feature! The only downside to this was that in-between the release of these mice they decided to change one of these side panels of the wireless one, and that panel was of COURSE the one I mainly use... And the change was pretty big too! The old layout were 7 buttons formed in a circle, around where you rest your thumb. The new one was just 6 buttons in a rectangular formation above where you rest your thumb. Needless to say, I was totally out of it, I cried, and a storm was raging inside me.

And that raging storm is what in me is; Meltdowns! To me these doesn't show on the outside, but they are however very painful, embarrassing and just terrible to go through. When I get mild ones, I end up crying, while a storm rages inside of me. Bad ones may have me throw stuff and scream... So yeah. As a kid I had "anger issues", and threw a tantrum almost every time I was going to be dressed to go outside. The clothes had to be put on in a very specific pattern and way, or else I would rip them all off to start over again! My dad has told me these stories more than once, and how one person talked me into changing my behavior. She told me if I didn't stop acting out the next year, when I was beginning school, I'd be throw out of school. After that my dad told me it stopped, but I'm not so sure about that, because I moved out with my mom that year. I still had some anger issues, my old Gameboy has bitemarks to prove that ^^' I also ended up quitting a job because I had a terrible one, caused by stress and several things not going like it should.

Another thing that makes it hard for me to keep a job AND remain not depressed is routine. I NEED routine in my life, or my mental health suffers immensely. I have almost like a ritual every night when I go to bed, and every morning when I wake up. When I wake up in the morning, I go the bathroom, wash my hands thoroughly, makes myself breakfast, eat said breakfast while coloring pixels ("games" like "Coloring pixels" or "Coloring game" on Steam) and watching the latest YouTube videos in my feed, and washing my hands again when I've finished eating. When going to bed I need to first make sure the front door is locked, then turning off the outside light and the light in the corridor, then I wash my hands, brush my teeth, mouthwash, then when that is fully spit out, I wash my hands for the last time for the day, go drink some water, and then make sure the top mattress is in place as it should, and no dust or anything is in the bed, and I makes sure to brush my hand firmly over the sheets to make 100% sure nothing is there. See something abnormal here? Yes, I wash my hands quite a lot. Which turns into a very painful thing during the winters, because my skin gets extremely dry! And working a job on top of this makes me wash my hands even MORE.

Next up is sensory issues. This one is pretty much the same in both genders. I can't stand wearing anything else than cotton. Silk? Fuck that, gimmie mah cotton! I also HATE the feeling of water on my skin, which is a problem when it comes to showering. I DO shower, but I'm rarely looking forward to it. I mostly look forward to it if I'm sweaty or my hair is greasy, because that feeling is even WORSE! I also hate having sticky hands, so hand lotion for my very dry hands have a tendency of being washed off wayyy too fast. I just can't handle the icky feeling! I also don't like to be touched unless it's close family or my boyfriend. Other than that I struggle with bright lights, very keen sense of smell (which is the worst part of the bunch when there is a slightly bad smell, I nearly gag), and very sensitive to touch in general. If my boyfriend strokes me at a spot for too long, it starts to hurt. That's why I prefer tight clothes rather than loose clothing, because the loose clothing brush too much into my skin. Also if any of my senses are overstimulated I usually get a migraine as well.

I also found an interesting video where a woman on the spectrum, whom also has studied psychology,  theorized about sexuality, very specifically demisexuality, being linked to being on the spectrum. I myself have been identifying as a demisexual for the past few years, and the things she mentioned do make a lot of sense. I don't want anyone to touch me or anything unless I know them well and feel comfortable around them, and I've never felt physical attraction before getting to know a person either. These things are very typical for people with ASD, but you can be demisexual without being on the spectrum as well, so don't confuse this as being a sing that you might be on the spectrum!

Stimming is something I didn't really know what was until I started researching ASD, and I actually have something there as well. In case you don't know what stimming is; A self-stimulatory behavior that is marked by a repetitive action or movement of the body (such as repeatedly tapping on objects or the ears, snapping the fingers, blinking the eyes, rocking from side to side, or grunting) and is typically associated with certain conditions (such as Autism Spectrum Disorder), and those who mask a lot find more subtle ways of doing this. Only those who knows me VERY well might have noticed me when I'm gaming in my chair, I tend to move my chair either back and forth, or from side to side. I also have a bad tendency of picking on my skin, especially if I got dry skin or scabs. I also used to bite my nails until I reached my mid 20s, when I FINALLY managed to stop this behavior.

I'm also REALLY bad with social cues, and knowing when I should do what. This might often lead to me interrupting people during conversations, or maybe even laugh when I shouldn't (because I find something inappropriate funny). I can also be very blunt and upfront about things, and overshare/ask too personal questions. Some examples are; I was very open about personal details on my streams before. I've began to understand the fact that sharing certain info is not always appreciated by my peers ^^' Also when I was 5 or 6 I asked my aunt why she cried the day after grandma died, saying "she died yesterday!", I just couldn't understand that at that age, and I find that very weird today looking back. And when I hit puberty I asked my then stepmother while playing with glass paint; "How is it to have sex?", just out of the blue! She was so surprised, but she tried answering as well as she could :) I've never really been good at socializing in general, I've had to studie the people around me to learn how to do that, often mimicking those closest to me. I always told people that told me I was being "mean" that I simply mirrored their own behavior, they never listened though. Oh, yeah! I also asked to be grounded in high school to be able to avoid attending a party! I guess I'm a little antisocial at times too ^^'

This blog post is starting to get really long, so I think I should end it here~! I might do another one with some more things I might have missed in this one, but I think I've covered most bases for now. I suspected I was on the spectrum since I was 19, but I never really believed enough in myself to seek out professional help. It's a bit surreal now that I finally got my diagnosis. I was right after all, despite what people around me said! But now I can finally get some proper help and hopefully live a much happier life knowing why I am the way I am :)

Until next time, have a wonderful Holiday~!

~ Kori

Why I cut ties with my ex (again)

Hey! Do you remember when I wrote that 2-part blog post on how I was at Desucon, and left one of my exes like 8-9 years ago? Weeeeeeeell, last year I gave him the chance to show me he's changed. In retrospect that was probably the worst decision ever made..!

So I am a very naive person, and I always want to give people 2nd and 3rd chances. So maybe I'm a little TOO naive for my own good. Anyways, I felt like I missed the fun gaming times with the guy, and the humor. So when he approached me the winter in 2019/2020, I accepted him with open arms. I regret that now sadly, and here's why.

First of all, I found out during a drinking party at my new place that he still had feelings for me. It was me, Chris, Frisky and him having a night of drinking and Cards Against Humanity. Was a lot of fun, not gonna lie. But then it was time for people to leave. Chris got a ride home from Frisky, and then Frisky went home afterwards. My ex told me he wanted to finish his beer, then call for a cab home. Well, that didn't exactly happen... Instead he started crying and telling me how hard it was to let me go, and he still had feelings for me... I didn't know how to handle the situation, I was frankly scared, and wanted him gone asap, so I sent Frisky a message about what happened and asked him to please come pick my ex up. But the love drama didn't end there. For the whole year to come I had to work with him on getting over me basically, telling him over and over again that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him anymore. I just wanted to be friends.

That summer he managed to stirr up drama with one of my male streamer friends, weaponizing my low self esteem. That streaming friend had apparently told him he didn't like my singing, and that set me off. It was during one of my periods, and my ex knew that. So he almost ended a years long friendship by only telling me half the truth. My streamer friend didn't really dislike my singing, but he felt like I sang very forced, which is a huge difference from what my ex told me. My ex told me he couldn't stand listening to me, and avoided voice chat where I was singing at all costs. I only figured that out much later, sadly, but I'm still friends with that other streamer.

Fall comes around, and I'm becoming increasingly insecure because my ex kept telling me that the guy I liked at work wasn't interested in me. But then I got together with that guy! Wow! He wasn't interested, huh..? Anyways, during that relationship my ex kept telling me things like "that's not normal in a relationship" etc, making me more insecure and desperate for attention from the guy I was with, to the point the guy couldn't handle it anymore, breaking up with me in March this year. And do you know what my ex did the night after...? He started hinting at his parents being ok with it if we were to get back together! The night after, when I needed company and comfort! Raiho, which I befriended again the same day as the breakup was there as well, and he was as shocked as me about what he kept on saying. 'Cause he kept on about it for a good while. So I decided then and there that I'd make a Tinder profile.

A month later I met Adrian through Facebook dating, and damn, it was a perfect match from day one. But Adrian had severe anxiety and extremely low self esteem when I met him. He doesn't like ex'es either, but he was going to try and work with that and accept my ex. I told my ex that, and to watch his mouth, no more sexual jokes towards me. But he didn't listen... I don't remember exactly what was written in my Discord server, but it was something about me, and my ex replied with "been there, done that". I was in voice chat with him at that moment, and I told him "you shouldn't have done that", where he simply replied with "what? He should get used to this, it's our humor!". No. That is not really my type of humor when I'm in a relationship. It is disrespectful in my opinion.

And that was the last straw... I was just done, so I decided to drop him, to cut ties completely. On Twitter he seemed to try and make me the bad person in this situation, which have led me to wanting to tell my side of this, get it off my chest. He missused my trust, and ruined a lot in the year we were friends. All that just to have some laughs during gaming sessions. Not worth it, not worth it at all... 

But there were also other bits and pieces of troublesome behavior during this time...

My ex got his drivers license sometime during all of that above, and had offered to drive me places if needed, I just had to ask. He never specified any restrictions. I never really asked him to drive me places either, he often offered to go places with me. But the one and only time I asked, and I didn't ask him to drive me, I asked if he COULD if needed on one of my first sleepovers at my Adrians place. I deleted the message pretty quickly because Adrian seemed fine and was determined on me staying the night, to fight his anxiety. My ex was already driving me home the next day, so I thought nothing of asking for an earlier ride home. But to my ex that was overstepping... He proceeded to lecturing me about not expecting him to drive me everywhere just because he has a license now for half the trip home. He triggered my anxiety HARD in that car with him, I honestly just wanted to unbuckle and jump out of the car in full speed. He basically punished me for something he previously told me was ok.

Also during the time we were friends, he constantly told me I didn't have any diagnosis's, like I was perfectly normal and healthy. Only after showing proof of things he seemed to back down. I often felt like he didn't take me seriously, and brushed off all my stuff as "jokes". I told him and a few others of my friends that I've been suspecting I could be autistic, but he told me I was NOT. I couldn't be, I'm too "normal" and "functional" he said. Well, the neuropsychologist said otherwise... I think I would have sought out professional help much earlier if it weren't for him telling me these things, even back when I was together with him. He always knew better, especially in the medical field, just because he went to high school to be a social worker. He always bragged about being so good at twisting people psychologically. That sounds like it should be a warning sign in itself now that I think about it...

He also kept calling me and my friends "bitch" and "cunt" as well, which I guess was fun, but at the same time it wasn't. He also had a bad influence on me, making me talk shit about my friends behind their backs, and I'm so sorry about that... I usually don't do that, but he kept riling me up to do/say things by starting it. Looking back at it now I should have told him I felt uncomfortable with this manner, he even broke Chris to tears one time, 'cause he was pretty much bullying him... I should have stepped in and stopped him instead of joining him, but he made me think it was ok even if I knew it wasn't... I guess I'm weak to peer pressure, that or he just got so deep into my head...

So this is why I cut ties. He still obsessed over me 8-9 years after the breakup, and he seemed to try all in his power to make me his again, even though he probably won't admit it now. He even tried to lower my self esteem to reach his goal, and that's pretty low. If only I actually cut ties already last year when I first wanted to do it... Oh well, at least he's gone for good this time :)

~Kori