Diagnosed with ASD in my 30s

Hey there! I'm back to delight you with another blog post about me, myself, and I! People following this blog might follow it because I'm the one writing it, and somehow my posts are interesting..? I dunno, I don't mean to sound self-centered or anything, but to me personally this was a very important thing to talk about for me. I want to spread awareness about females on the spectrum, because they are very hard to spot! This is going to be a lengthy read though, so grab a snack!

Anyways, here I am, after taking in the fact that I've just been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a diagnosis that puts me in the Autism Spectrum. I prefer to refer to it as ASD though, which stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder for those not in the know. It took about half a year to diagnose me, it felt like an eternity. But in the end I feel like it was worth it, and the result didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, though I have been unsure because people around me told me I COULDN'T be autistic. But now I got the answer to some life-long questions; Why am I so different? Why doesn't people understand me? Why Do I feel so out of place here? Why is relations so hard in general?

I've been asking myself these questions since as long as I can remember. Only earlier this year did I start looking into autism in females, when I realized we portray it differently. And oh boy was that quite a ride! And so many revelations! Well, we DO have some similarities to the guys, but the symptoms of the same things differ in how they show.

Take special interests for example! Most autistic girls have typical girl interests as their special interest. And girls seems to also switch up their interests every now and then. I can have an intense interest in a subject for a while, then tire out and switch it with something new. I also have 2 consistent subjects though; Pokémon and Kingdom Hearts. Though I've gotten slightly tired of those as well, mostly because the latest games haven't been too good in my opinion. The ending of Kingdom Hearts 3 wasn't even an ending! And they changed Pokémon too much! They locked too much behind a paid DLC! *whines*

That takes me to the next symptom; hating changes! And og boy, I do hate them! Why can't design on daily wares just stay as is? Why change something people are used to? I actually have a very recent example of how change caused me to have a meltdown! I've owned a Razor Naga Trinity mouse for about 3 years, LOVED it! The past year it's been acting up BADLY, double clicking when I just normal clicked, and wouldn't hold when I held down the button. Made me rage way more than I dare to admit to be honest... Anyways, so I found out they have wireless version, the Razor Naga Pro, so my logical thinking went through the process of weighing up the positives with wireless, cables break easy etc, and decided to go for it! Both these mice have changeable side panels btw, which is a very neat feature! The only downside to this was that in-between the release of these mice they decided to change one of these side panels of the wireless one, and that panel was of COURSE the one I mainly use... And the change was pretty big too! The old layout were 7 buttons formed in a circle, around where you rest your thumb. The new one was just 6 buttons in a rectangular formation above where you rest your thumb. Needless to say, I was totally out of it, I cried, and a storm was raging inside me.

And that raging storm is what in me is; Meltdowns! To me these doesn't show on the outside, but they are however very painful, embarrassing and just terrible to go through. When I get mild ones, I end up crying, while a storm rages inside of me. Bad ones may have me throw stuff and scream... So yeah. As a kid I had "anger issues", and threw a tantrum almost every time I was going to be dressed to go outside. The clothes had to be put on in a very specific pattern and way, or else I would rip them all off to start over again! My dad has told me these stories more than once, and how one person talked me into changing my behavior. She told me if I didn't stop acting out the next year, when I was beginning school, I'd be throw out of school. After that my dad told me it stopped, but I'm not so sure about that, because I moved out with my mom that year. I still had some anger issues, my old Gameboy has bitemarks to prove that ^^' I also ended up quitting a job because I had a terrible one, caused by stress and several things not going like it should.

Another thing that makes it hard for me to keep a job AND remain not depressed is routine. I NEED routine in my life, or my mental health suffers immensely. I have almost like a ritual every night when I go to bed, and every morning when I wake up. When I wake up in the morning, I go the bathroom, wash my hands thoroughly, makes myself breakfast, eat said breakfast while coloring pixels ("games" like "Coloring pixels" or "Coloring game" on Steam) and watching the latest YouTube videos in my feed, and washing my hands again when I've finished eating. When going to bed I need to first make sure the front door is locked, then turning off the outside light and the light in the corridor, then I wash my hands, brush my teeth, mouthwash, then when that is fully spit out, I wash my hands for the last time for the day, go drink some water, and then make sure the top mattress is in place as it should, and no dust or anything is in the bed, and I makes sure to brush my hand firmly over the sheets to make 100% sure nothing is there. See something abnormal here? Yes, I wash my hands quite a lot. Which turns into a very painful thing during the winters, because my skin gets extremely dry! And working a job on top of this makes me wash my hands even MORE.

Next up is sensory issues. This one is pretty much the same in both genders. I can't stand wearing anything else than cotton. Silk? Fuck that, gimmie mah cotton! I also HATE the feeling of water on my skin, which is a problem when it comes to showering. I DO shower, but I'm rarely looking forward to it. I mostly look forward to it if I'm sweaty or my hair is greasy, because that feeling is even WORSE! I also hate having sticky hands, so hand lotion for my very dry hands have a tendency of being washed off wayyy too fast. I just can't handle the icky feeling! I also don't like to be touched unless it's close family or my boyfriend. Other than that I struggle with bright lights, very keen sense of smell (which is the worst part of the bunch when there is a slightly bad smell, I nearly gag), and very sensitive to touch in general. If my boyfriend strokes me at a spot for too long, it starts to hurt. That's why I prefer tight clothes rather than loose clothing, because the loose clothing brush too much into my skin. Also if any of my senses are overstimulated I usually get a migraine as well.

I also found an interesting video where a woman on the spectrum, whom also has studied psychology,  theorized about sexuality, very specifically demisexuality, being linked to being on the spectrum. I myself have been identifying as a demisexual for the past few years, and the things she mentioned do make a lot of sense. I don't want anyone to touch me or anything unless I know them well and feel comfortable around them, and I've never felt physical attraction before getting to know a person either. These things are very typical for people with ASD, but you can be demisexual without being on the spectrum as well, so don't confuse this as being a sing that you might be on the spectrum!

Stimming is something I didn't really know what was until I started researching ASD, and I actually have something there as well. In case you don't know what stimming is; A self-stimulatory behavior that is marked by a repetitive action or movement of the body (such as repeatedly tapping on objects or the ears, snapping the fingers, blinking the eyes, rocking from side to side, or grunting) and is typically associated with certain conditions (such as Autism Spectrum Disorder), and those who mask a lot find more subtle ways of doing this. Only those who knows me VERY well might have noticed me when I'm gaming in my chair, I tend to move my chair either back and forth, or from side to side. I also have a bad tendency of picking on my skin, especially if I got dry skin or scabs. I also used to bite my nails until I reached my mid 20s, when I FINALLY managed to stop this behavior.

I'm also REALLY bad with social cues, and knowing when I should do what. This might often lead to me interrupting people during conversations, or maybe even laugh when I shouldn't (because I find something inappropriate funny). I can also be very blunt and upfront about things, and overshare/ask too personal questions. Some examples are; I was very open about personal details on my streams before. I've began to understand the fact that sharing certain info is not always appreciated by my peers ^^' Also when I was 5 or 6 I asked my aunt why she cried the day after grandma died, saying "she died yesterday!", I just couldn't understand that at that age, and I find that very weird today looking back. And when I hit puberty I asked my then stepmother while playing with glass paint; "How is it to have sex?", just out of the blue! She was so surprised, but she tried answering as well as she could :) I've never really been good at socializing in general, I've had to studie the people around me to learn how to do that, often mimicking those closest to me. I always told people that told me I was being "mean" that I simply mirrored their own behavior, they never listened though. Oh, yeah! I also asked to be grounded in high school to be able to avoid attending a party! I guess I'm a little antisocial at times too ^^'

This blog post is starting to get really long, so I think I should end it here~! I might do another one with some more things I might have missed in this one, but I think I've covered most bases for now. I suspected I was on the spectrum since I was 19, but I never really believed enough in myself to seek out professional help. It's a bit surreal now that I finally got my diagnosis. I was right after all, despite what people around me said! But now I can finally get some proper help and hopefully live a much happier life knowing why I am the way I am :)

Until next time, have a wonderful Holiday~!

~ Kori

Why I cut ties with my ex (again)

Hey! Do you remember when I wrote that 2-part blog post on how I was at Desucon, and left one of my exes like 8-9 years ago? Weeeeeeeell, last year I gave him the chance to show me he's changed. In retrospect that was probably the worst decision ever made..!

So I am a very naive person, and I always want to give people 2nd and 3rd chances. So maybe I'm a little TOO naive for my own good. Anyways, I felt like I missed the fun gaming times with the guy, and the humor. So when he approached me the winter in 2019/2020, I accepted him with open arms. I regret that now sadly, and here's why.

First of all, I found out during a drinking party at my new place that he still had feelings for me. It was me, Chris, Frisky and him having a night of drinking and Cards Against Humanity. Was a lot of fun, not gonna lie. But then it was time for people to leave. Chris got a ride home from Frisky, and then Frisky went home afterwards. My ex told me he wanted to finish his beer, then call for a cab home. Well, that didn't exactly happen... Instead he started crying and telling me how hard it was to let me go, and he still had feelings for me... I didn't know how to handle the situation, I was frankly scared, and wanted him gone asap, so I sent Frisky a message about what happened and asked him to please come pick my ex up. But the love drama didn't end there. For the whole year to come I had to work with him on getting over me basically, telling him over and over again that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him anymore. I just wanted to be friends.

That summer he managed to stirr up drama with one of my male streamer friends, weaponizing my low self esteem. That streaming friend had apparently told him he didn't like my singing, and that set me off. It was during one of my periods, and my ex knew that. So he almost ended a years long friendship by only telling me half the truth. My streamer friend didn't really dislike my singing, but he felt like I sang very forced, which is a huge difference from what my ex told me. My ex told me he couldn't stand listening to me, and avoided voice chat where I was singing at all costs. I only figured that out much later, sadly, but I'm still friends with that other streamer.

Fall comes around, and I'm becoming increasingly insecure because my ex kept telling me that the guy I liked at work wasn't interested in me. But then I got together with that guy! Wow! He wasn't interested, huh..? Anyways, during that relationship my ex kept telling me things like "that's not normal in a relationship" etc, making me more insecure and desperate for attention from the guy I was with, to the point the guy couldn't handle it anymore, breaking up with me in March this year. And do you know what my ex did the night after...? He started hinting at his parents being ok with it if we were to get back together! The night after, when I needed company and comfort! Raiho, which I befriended again the same day as the breakup was there as well, and he was as shocked as me about what he kept on saying. 'Cause he kept on about it for a good while. So I decided then and there that I'd make a Tinder profile.

A month later I met Adrian through Facebook dating, and damn, it was a perfect match from day one. But Adrian had severe anxiety and extremely low self esteem when I met him. He doesn't like ex'es either, but he was going to try and work with that and accept my ex. I told my ex that, and to watch his mouth, no more sexual jokes towards me. But he didn't listen... I don't remember exactly what was written in my Discord server, but it was something about me, and my ex replied with "been there, done that". I was in voice chat with him at that moment, and I told him "you shouldn't have done that", where he simply replied with "what? He should get used to this, it's our humor!". No. That is not really my type of humor when I'm in a relationship. It is disrespectful in my opinion.

And that was the last straw... I was just done, so I decided to drop him, to cut ties completely. On Twitter he seemed to try and make me the bad person in this situation, which have led me to wanting to tell my side of this, get it off my chest. He missused my trust, and ruined a lot in the year we were friends. All that just to have some laughs during gaming sessions. Not worth it, not worth it at all... 

But there were also other bits and pieces of troublesome behavior during this time...

My ex got his drivers license sometime during all of that above, and had offered to drive me places if needed, I just had to ask. He never specified any restrictions. I never really asked him to drive me places either, he often offered to go places with me. But the one and only time I asked, and I didn't ask him to drive me, I asked if he COULD if needed on one of my first sleepovers at my Adrians place. I deleted the message pretty quickly because Adrian seemed fine and was determined on me staying the night, to fight his anxiety. My ex was already driving me home the next day, so I thought nothing of asking for an earlier ride home. But to my ex that was overstepping... He proceeded to lecturing me about not expecting him to drive me everywhere just because he has a license now for half the trip home. He triggered my anxiety HARD in that car with him, I honestly just wanted to unbuckle and jump out of the car in full speed. He basically punished me for something he previously told me was ok.

Also during the time we were friends, he constantly told me I didn't have any diagnosis's, like I was perfectly normal and healthy. Only after showing proof of things he seemed to back down. I often felt like he didn't take me seriously, and brushed off all my stuff as "jokes". I told him and a few others of my friends that I've been suspecting I could be autistic, but he told me I was NOT. I couldn't be, I'm too "normal" and "functional" he said. Well, the neuropsychologist said otherwise... I think I would have sought out professional help much earlier if it weren't for him telling me these things, even back when I was together with him. He always knew better, especially in the medical field, just because he went to high school to be a social worker. He always bragged about being so good at twisting people psychologically. That sounds like it should be a warning sign in itself now that I think about it...

He also kept calling me and my friends "bitch" and "cunt" as well, which I guess was fun, but at the same time it wasn't. He also had a bad influence on me, making me talk shit about my friends behind their backs, and I'm so sorry about that... I usually don't do that, but he kept riling me up to do/say things by starting it. Looking back at it now I should have told him I felt uncomfortable with this manner, he even broke Chris to tears one time, 'cause he was pretty much bullying him... I should have stepped in and stopped him instead of joining him, but he made me think it was ok even if I knew it wasn't... I guess I'm weak to peer pressure, that or he just got so deep into my head...

So this is why I cut ties. He still obsessed over me 8-9 years after the breakup, and he seemed to try all in his power to make me his again, even though he probably won't admit it now. He even tried to lower my self esteem to reach his goal, and that's pretty low. If only I actually cut ties already last year when I first wanted to do it... Oh well, at least he's gone for good this time :)

~Kori

Bye 2020~! You were kinder than the last ♥

So here we are again...

Last year I said I hoped 2020 would be a better year, but I never anticipated Covid-19 to happen like it did back then! Despite that however, I have had a wonderful year with a lot of new  things. Let's start from the beginning of the year!

I actually don't remember much from January, so I guess I better skip to the most lifechanging thing to happen to me this year, that happened in February; I broke up with Rin. Yup, that's right! Never thought I would, but I finally did. I used to adore the guy, until a not so fortunate side of him started to show. His real colors weren't so nice after all... But I didn't really see how bad he had affected me until I was away from him.

Why did I break up with him? Well... First of all; my feelings were fading. I felt like it wasn't really working out, and it hadn't really for the past 2 years. A lot of disagreement, and shit being just.... shit. Second; I was falling in love with someone else... And I felt bad about that! I wanted to be there for Rin, as I knew his struggles, but at the same time it wasn't fair to him that I was longing for another mans embrace. So I got a meeting with NAV about my economic situation, and they told me that moving out could be a step forward that could lead to me getting a steady job, as I would be able to get the sleep I needed when I needed it (Rin and I had TOTALLY different sleep schedules), and I would be able to focus on myself. Rin did NOT like the idea, and gave me an ultimatum; "If you move out, we're done". Me, being the person I am, do not take kindly to ultimatums, and often choose the opposing option of the person giving me the choice, so I said "fine, I guess it's over then". He proceeded to stomp on the floor, and hitting the living room table.

In the beginning of March I found and moved into my own apartment, the one I'm sitting in now in fact! It was so weird to be on my own. Was really lucky to get this one too, the landlord had originally planned on having more people over to see it, but he seemed to like me so much, he offered it to me instead. This month I also started to talk to my crush almost daily, and I was actually back at the brewery again as an intern to get back into working a job etc. And, eh, guess what... My crush was one of the other workers there! The day we saw each other again for the first time since the summer job, I'll never forget that one. My heartrate was above 140 bpm, and he seemed to blush like crazy as soon as he laid eyes on me. He was denying having any feelings for me though. Yes, I confessed shortly after being sent home because of Covid-19. He told me he probably wouldn't be able to give me the same love back.

April came around, and he was sent home as well. We started planning movie nights, but first we had a birthday celebration coming up! His birthday was just a few days before mine, so I wanted my celebration to be kind of his as well. And because of Covid-19 we could only be 5 people at one location at once. I decided he was a 1st priority guest, and then Chris was obviously invited, and 2 other close friends of mine at the time was also invited. But I wanted a bit of help baking for the "big day", so I invited my crush over, and he accepted. We were very awkwardly trying to bake buns together, but we both are the "don't come too close" type of person, so it was really weird. We've always been pretty awkward around each other at work as well, me because of obvious reasons. I'd been secretly liking him since I first met him, I just tried my best to suppress my feelings. Didn't work out in the end though.

But I'll never forget that visit, even though there wasn't anything romantic going on, except maybe the thing he did when he was leaving... I was going to go for a walk with a friend as he was leaving, so I walked him to his car. As he was nearing his car, he suddenly stopped, looking up at the stars. "The night sky is clear tonight." he said, then looking at me, smiling. I totally froze, I didn't expect that. I couldn't think straight, so I just tried to smile and said back "uh, yeah, it's very clear". God, I hate myself today for not walking closer to him, I just stood there like a moron. We ended up just standing there, 2-3 meters apart, talking about stars and star signs. When I thought back on it later, I realized how fucking romantic that shit really was.

Then there's May... Not much to talk about here, except that we decided to do weekly walks together, and had a few movie nights. I confessed my love for him again, and I got the "I rather stay friends" message. I was devastated, so I started considering getting a pet.

June came, and I got that pet I was considering. I originally wanted a cat, but the shelter said I needed 2 if I wanted indoor cats, and planned on working a steady job. I didn't have money to keep 2, and it would probably have been too much for me, so I went to the pet store instead. There I met my lil Bruce, the Degu. As soon as I laid eyes on him I thought "that's my lil boy", and I asked the lady working there if I could greet him. She told me he was the most social and cuddly degu she ever encountered, and she was right; he was very social and cuddly. I thought he was perfect! And now you might be wondering why I keep saying "was"... No-no-no, he didn't pass away, but...Not long after I got him I got a call from the brewery. They wanted me to work this summer again. I didn't hesitate to accept, though it was a surprise. A welcomed surprise, that's for sure!

So I started working there again in the mid/end of June, and everything went well. Until Bruce started acting up. When I started working, I didn't have the time or energy to cuddle him all the time anymore. He started craving my attention at every waking moment, and started keeping me up at night. No amount of toys, sticks or treats was good enough. So after trying to deal with his tantrums for a few weeks, I gave up, and decided it was time to do something. So I put him up for adoption. It was a really hard decision to make, but ultimately it was the best for him. I got a message from a lovely lady the day after, and I asked her about previous experience etc. This lady seemed to have a lot of experience, and she even had 3 girls herself. I asked for pictures just to make sure, and when I saw them, I decided she was a good fit for Bruce. So the next day they picked him up. I remember I managed to keep a straight face while they were here, but as soon as they had left and I shut the door, the tears started rolling. I think I cried for an hour, but in the end it was the best for both of us. I got sent pictures of him afterwards, and he seemed happy in those. 😊

Not much happened during my summer job, other than it being extended each moth. In the middle of September was my dads birthday, so I ended up taking a day off to go visit him. This year was his 60th birthday, so I felt like I really had to go. I missed his 50th birthday, hell no if I was gonna miss out on this one! I had a lovely weekend at his place, but he lives so far away I had to take a plane ride up there. I could take a bus as well, but that would take me about 10 hours, so I chose the 1 hour plane ride instead. When I was going home though, there were some terrible mist, and because of that, I had to stay 2 days longer than expected. Thankfully my boss was okey with that! 😊

Just a week later my grandpa passes away, so I had to travel once again, but this time it was easier by night train. I originally didn't want to go, since I didn't feel an emotional connection to the man, but my dad insisted and even paid for the trip, so I felt like I had to. It ended up being a nice trip though, and I actually got to talk to some family I hadn't talked to before, or hadn't talked with in 10 years. I didn't lose any work days on this trip though, and I was really thankful for that. I was working so hard to earn as much money as I could before I wasn't needed anymore. I started helping out at the bottler part of the brewery as well as driving a different forklift than I used to. I've had the certificate to drive a reach truck since last year when I got it, so I started driving one of those, helping out with the early shifts and getting in some practice at the same time!

I was still chatting with my crush, but starting to accept that he wasn't interested in me back. The others at work knew I was into someone, but not who. Not until the end of September that is! I was in a really giddy mood after asking my crush over for Halloween, and he actually seemed to be interested in coming over. As stupid as I was, I started telling people at work I was excited to MAYBE have my crush over. We were all sitting there talking, and suddenly one of them got very curious about who it was, as I never told anyone who it was (I figured that was for the best, as we worked together and he wasn't into me back). One of them, who had watched how both of us were acting the previous year, just asked me straight out: "Is it HIM (the name of my crush obviously)?". I panicked and just said "I can't tell you... I can't tell you..." while blushing like a fucking moron while holding my hands up to my face. I was busted! This is where the interesting part comes... Two of my co-workers then proceeded to go ahead and ask my crush if he was interested back, but he told them both no. He said he wasn't interested in me in neither a sexual or romantical way. I sent him a message afterwards telling him that if he REALLY wasn't interested in me that way, he got to shoot straight with me. He'd been avoiding saying it to me straight out that he wasn't interested, only "maybe/I don't think so/I don't know", so obviously I wasn't able to totally let go. I also told him that if he didn't reply to that part of our conversation, I'd assume that he only told them that to avoid drama at work. He never addressed that part.

Fast forward to October, my favorite month of the year; HALLOWEEN TIME~! ♥ And this year my October got even better than any previous year. I still worked in the storage, and I was starting to get standardized as a reach truck driver. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it very much. I felt much more independent and helpful, so it gave me a huge confident boost. I also started to understand how my crush and his colleague had it with this job, as it was also a sometimes stressful job as well as requiring a lot of focus. After the first week I was already exhausted! Not much else happened that month, until the 19th. I had been chatting with my crush every afternoon when he was working the late shifts, and the conversations had always been good. This evening I was feeling a bit more brave and flirty, so I mentioned a perverted joke my friends had told me that included me and my crush. I might have pushed it a little bit too far this time though... But he finally admitted that he was actually into me! My mind was just blown when he told me, and I started asking him "like, when did you start liking me?!". He couldn't pinpoint exactly when, but he told me that when he was denying it to the other co-workers he felt like he was lying, even to himself. Needless to say, we decided we where a couple after that, and we celebrated Halloween at my place as a couple! 😊

The whole relationship was kept as a secret for the rest of the workplace as my boyfriend is the type of person that likes to keep things private, but it was hard for me to not tell anyone. I was just so happy to finally have the guy of my dreams pretty much. I was ecstatic! Only one other person knew about it, but that was because he'd been my "spy" the whole time. I wanted someone else to help me figure out if he liked me back, so I had to "play dirty"... I felt bad about doing that, but he helped me keep my hopes up, and saw something was up he told me. But it seemed like most of everyone caught up with it all by mid November. I decided then to just come out to the bosses about it, as there were new Covid-19 rules set in motion. Me and my boyfriend sat closer than 2 meter away from each other during breaks, and the new rules stated we should stay more than 2 meter away if we where to sit close for longer than 15 minutes. So I decided to ask if it was the same if you were regularly with a colleague in your spare time. They didn't understand what I was trying to say, so I just ended up saying somethings along the lines of "well, uhm, HIM and me are, eh, together now, and been together for about a month". They were a bit surprised, but congratulated me, and told me it was fine, I didn't need to worry about it. It was a relief to finally tell someone straight out what's been going on, and that they took it as well as they did. Our boss apparently joked with my boyfriend and told him to "stay away from his substitutes outside of work". At the end of November my substitute job was over. This was pretty much planned though, so it wasn't because of the relationship that had developed, no worries! 😜

Since Halloween my boyfriend has been coming over pretty much every weekend. I'm always excited to see him again, especially now that we're not working together anymore. I can feel that I miss him during the weeks, which actually is a bit of a refreshing feeling. But I had a rough time during Christmas though. On December 22nd I decided to show off my little Christmas tree that had no presents under it. In my post I stated that the post wasn't to garner sympathy, nor a cry for gifts. I simply wrote that I felt a bit forgotten, especially by one side of the family. I also stated by the end of the post that if anyone felt like I was talking about them, they could simply just wish me a merry Christmas to show that they care! Of course my mother took that a bit too personal, so on December 23rd she decided to send me a bit of a slightly aggressive message where she told me she had planned on giving me a gift this year, but she felt like she didn't really want to give it to me after reading the post. I tried to point out what I ment by the post, but she didn't really listen. In the end we ended up fighting over this, and how much of a bad kid I've always been, as well as me trying to get her to see WHY I was such a bad kid when having her as a mother. It was just a big unnecessary mess... And when I finally got done with the fight with her, my fricking sister comes in for round two! By the end of that day I'd turned all my notifications off, and I was just done with everyone. Needless to say; My Christmas this year sucked! Until I got a random message from my dad on the 30th. Apparently there was a package waiting for me at my local post office. I nearly ran over there to pick it up, wondering both who sent it and what it was. Turned out my dad, his ex fiancé and her mother had felt so sorry for what I went through that day, and not having anything to open under my tree, they decided they wanted to give me some extra things (they had originally given me money already). So what I ended up picking up was a box with 8 small presents in it :) It was a bunch of small things like candy and silly toys, but God did that make me feel loved. They went out of their way to make my day a bit brighter, and it really helped! I ended up opening all the gifts in a video chat with my best friends 😊

New years eve I celebrated with my new boyfriend, and we sure started the new year with a bang! Take that as you please, ya pervy bastards 😜 But from joke to seriousness; I hope 2021 brings the same amount of personal growth and prosperity as 2020 has. I think I'm one of very few that can say that this was my year for sure! I've learned a lot of new things, and opened my eyes about some old things and habits that weren't good for me.

Cheers everyone~! Until next time~!

~Kori