Saturday, July 28, 2018

Depression

Hey there!
For my followers, this is probably not a shock, but for new people, I'm sorry in advance for this very personal blog post.
But the title is pretty much what this is about; depression. And what it does to you.
I've been trying now for the last 7 years to get a job, without luck or success. I've been in this system called NAV (Norwegians will absolutely know what I'm talking about). It's a system controlled by the state, and it's supposed to help people get into a suitable working environment. Sadly, that haven't worked out very well for me.
In 2012 I moved down here, I moved away from my then current job (which I hated and had to go to therapy to endure). I hoped to start a new and better life down here. I moved 6-9 hours away from my family (depending on which part of it). I tried to apply for a lot of jobs, but none called me back. And for the record, I DID apply to ANY job possible, I was kinda desperate to not getting back into the NAV system, as I'd been there before, and felt like garbage when being in the system. So useless, and a waste of space. I wanted to work for my own money!
After a couple of months I finally had to get into the NAV system, and I got some financial support while they put me into a course, to "learn how to apply for jobs". When I was there I got praise for how well I wrote my CV, and they seemed surprised that I was even there. I was still applying for jobs, maybe a bit less than before, as I had something I was going to almost every day anyways. During this course we were placed in practice jobs we were interested in trying out. I told them that I wanted to try out anything with gaming/electronics or a pet store, or something similar to that. They couldn't help me with my first choice, so I ended up in the local pet store. And that was actually a perfectly fine job for me, I enjoyed the 2-3 months I had there! The reason we got put in these practice jobs however, was to see an opportunity to get employed while being there. But that didn't happen to me. In the middle of my last month, I got the message from my superiors that I wasn't gonna be employed, and the plan was to not even consider it during my stay there. This was a really hard thing to hear, especially since I was really insecure with myself from before. And back into the NAV system I went.
A couple of months later I got put into another course, much like the previous one, but another department. The same deal went on there, but this time I had a chance to try working at Gamestop! I'd been applying for a job there ever since I moved here, and finally I got one foot inside! And you know what? I loved the job there! After a while I got to attend an interview with the higher up boss there, and I got a job as a "call in", or whatever you call it. They call, I work. Simple as that. In the meantime I got to stay as a practice worker there, with the financial support from NAV still. It was fine, until the drama queen entered... Another girl got a practice job there as well, and we didn't really get along very well. I despised her lying, and she hated my guts for pointing out the lies.After a while she started to get under the boss' skin, and they seemed to work together to bully me out of there. The things they did and said, they slowly broke me down. I ended up not showing up, because facing them every day was hard and painful, and everything was making me depressed. After almost a month, I'd finally "maned up" and built up the courage to get back to work, only to be met with a resignation of my practice job. Which made me pissed at that point, as I did a big sale for them before he decided to bring me the news. Like, couldn't he have told me as I walked in the door, instead of after I had already been there an hour?! This made me angry, embarrassed and sad, all at once. I ended up sitting alone crying while waiting for the bus that day.
Half a year passes, and I get the psychological help I really needed at that point. I was nearly suicidal, and I was afraid to go outside. The psychiatrist was really nice to me, and we talked out a lot of my problems at that time. We also figured out that I was suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is quite fitting to how I feel etc. It means that I may avoid large groups of people, can have anxiety attacks, and have social anxiety. But that's not all, it also causes some to struggle with depression. BINGO! Some of my questions had been answered.
After a year of therapy I finally felt like I could try and get back into working again! This time they put me in a practice job, and internal one at a place called Delta (they were under NAVs control at that time) at a ads factory, where I learned how to print ads and applications for windows and cars, and how to apply those. It was a very interesting job, but not quite what I was looking for. After a few months I got transferred to another part of that facility, where they worked on repairing computers and making dimmers for lights. Basically basic electronics and PC repairs. And I loved it there! It was PERFECT for me! I had the knowledge to build and repair PCs, and the other things I learned quickly as I went on. But sadly, after almost half a year, I got the sad news that the department were being shut down. And there we go back into the depression hole again. I finally found something I enjoyed, and they decided to shut it down. Not only did I enjoy what I did there, but I felt like I was of use to someone! But yeah, that time was over as well. So I was yet again in the NAV system, and this time I wasn't put on any more courses. I wasn't doing anything for almost half a year, and then I got into a new system where I was going to this woman once a week, and she would help me and try to get in contact with various businesses to try to get a job, or practice job, directly. We tried out various places, but some refused to have me, because I had blue hair at that time. I finally got a practice job at a local convenience store. I kinda enjoyed it in the beginning, but after a while I felt like I didn't fit there at all, and I started to get small anxiety attacks I never told anyone about. I just told her I didn't want to work there anymore, because it was too stressful.
We then ended up getting me back into school, as she and my case handler at NAV said that becoming a teacher would be a good idea I came up with then. And I guess it was, if it weren't for my darn anxiety!
So I went to school for the past year now. First half a year I were gone a lot, because the anxiety got to me. I got several anxiety attacks during this period, and ended up just staying at home after a while. My doctor then prescribed me some antidepressants to use for my anxiety and some of the lingering depression that was still there. I used the whole of December to get used to them, but got back to school again in January. Everything were pretty fine for about a week, then the effects became the opposite when my doctor told me to up my dosages. Then I was basically back to square one. I told him how they changed effects, and we agreed on going back down. But the damage was already done. I lost 2 months of school because the pills used about a month to adjust in my system.
So let's jump to May, that's when things really got out of hand for me. I was trying to focus on school and stuff. Then I got the horrifying message; "We cut your financial support, until you have been to your doctor and proven that you're currently unable to work. New rules". I was already struggling badly keeping all my bills in check at this point, so this was not a very pleasant message to get. And my case handler wasn't specific enough to tell me WHAT kind of papers my doctor had to send, so I asked him to set up a check for me to see if I had something called fibromyalgia, which my mom and sister already struggle with. I got that confirmed, and sent her the papers, thinking that was enough. Nope, it was not! I had to make my doctor send a medical certificate stating that I was unfit to work at this time. That was over a month later, and none of my current bills had been possible to pay at that time. That led to me now having to deal with a mean debt collector, and not having money enough for other bills or food.
So yeah, my story so far, and it's not looking any better. The 20th of August I loose my financial support again, and I'll probably end up on the street. It's depressing AF, and I'm very nervous and anxious on how this will end...
I simply do not know what to do at this point.

Right now everything feels so hopeless, and I'm so scared..! I'm scared of loosing all I have, an I feel like I have nowhere to go. I need help but ain't getting it!


I have an appointment with my doctor the coming Wednesday, that I can't pay for, in the hopes he can help me in ANY way possible. Fingers crossed!

~Kori